If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

So…today is thanksgiving. What did I do? Well…I woke up at 11:30 or so because my family was sitting around and talking (very loudly) while they watched the Macy’s day parade. So, I got up, ate some bacon and watched the last half hour of the parade. After that I went online for a while then got dressed. I must say, I looked fucking adorable today. I sent out a mass text wishing everyone a happy thanksgiving and headed towards my nanny’s house.

We got to my nanny’s house and greeted everyone. When my Aunt dawn and uncle Mike came over I ran to 7-11 to pick up Smirnoffs (because all we had was beer and a bottle of jack). I drank yummy smirnoffs (because I’m a real man) and ate yummy turkey. What did I do after that? Well, like any other male specimen I sat on the couch and fell asleep. Nice, huh? When I woke up (not by choice; my brother was playing drums annoyingly loud) I sat in the kitchen and doodled a little. My poppy sat down next to me and had a talk about…stuff *grin*. He’s such a funny guy; he told me not to be “Chingaga” about it (*shrugs* I don’t know what it means either). It was nice to actually laugh. I had no clue what he was talking about, but it put a smile on my face.
So, now I’m home and writing this. I guess I had a good night, but I wish I celebrated with more people *grimace*. I must go now. I have work in…three hours. Wish me luck.
Peace.

Now put your hands up
Up in the club, we just broke up
I’m doing my own little thing
Decided to dip but now you wanna trip
Cuz another brother noticed me

You set my soul alight

I’m so blank. I have nothing to do. I haven’t drawn lately. I finished my book. I’ve been living at work for the past week. It’s winter so I’ll be there all the time, which I guess helps, but I’m getting sick of looking at the same things. I’m tired of being broke because I want to just go out. I want to get in my car and just leave. I can’t! next week when I get paid I can’t just leave; it’s black Friday. I’m working a twelve hour shift that day (and probably that Wednesday and Friday as well). I feel very empty. I’ve been trying to occupy myself, but nothing is working. I’ve been trying to watch the sex and the city movie, but I can never just sit down in the living room and watch it, and I can’t watch it in my room because my dvd player is retarded. My room is a mess (the worst it’s ever been in a while), I haven’t thought about anything to wear, my hair has seen better days, I haven’t worn contacts in the past five days, my bed is unmade, I’ve been forgetting things. I’m sick of it. Why the fuck can’t I just get over it and go on with my life? Because I don’t want to. Maybe I like feeling like this. Maybe I think I deserve to feel empty and lonely. Maybe I like sulking because I want attention or affection (but I shake them off when I’m given it). I just want to be held. I want someone to hug me and tell me it’ll be okay. I want someone to kiss my cheek and put their fingers through my hair and lay with me until I stop being such an ass hole. I’m a happy person, but I just can’t feel happy right now.

I thought I was a fool for no-one

Oh baby I'm a fool for you

You're the queen of the superficial

And how long before you tell the truth

Put it on paper

These are the lyrics to that really stupid song that i wrote a while ago and didn't let anyone see. i figured it wouldn't matter is everyone saw them now...whatever. it's done in the G chord, btw.

Woke up this morning got out of bed
The ghosts of my dreams dance in my head
I pour me some coffee or a good glass of wine
I say to myself “self today will be fine”

I look in the mirror and what do I see
A thousand white lies staring back at me
Boy you can do this man you’ll be fine
Quit being foolish straighten your spine

Dance to your music sing to your song
Making this happen is taking too long
I want it to finish unravel it self
Just another hobby to sit on my shelf
I want it so simple I want it so tough
Word can’t describe that you’re more than enough
Stop being stupid boy make up your mind
Put it on paper you’re wasting my time

Sometimes I wonder is this right to do
Fights crash like thunder but somehow we come thru
It’s noiseless I can confess what I’m about to do
Every kiss I give is a silent love you

It’s not easy putting it into words
I try but It seems like it’s all gone unheard
Let me show you exactly how I feel
Let me prove that this eternal flame is real

Dance to your music sing to your song
Making this happen is taking too long
I want it to finish unravel it self
Just another hobby to sit on my shelf
I want it so simple I want it so tough
Word can’t describe that you’re more than enough
Stop being stupid boy make up your mind
Put it on paper you’re wasting my time

I’m trying and searching for something I can’t say
I’m worried I’ll lose you in the worst possible way
I’m growing into something I’ve never been
Thank you for bringing out the man that was within

Dance to your music sing to your song
Making this happen is taking too long
I want it to finish unravel it self
Just another hobby to sit on my shelf
I want it so simple I want it so tough
Word can’t describe that you’re more than enough
Stop being stupid boy make up your mind
Put it on paper you’re wasting my time

Put it on paper you’re wasting my time
Put it on paper you’re wasting my time

Woke up this morning got out of bed
The ghosts of my dreams dance in my head
I pour me some coffee or a good glass of wine
I say to myself “self today will be fine”

When we touch, I melt like butter

What can I say? I’m depressed. I feel like I should cry, but I’m not. There is something inside of me that is holding me together and telling me that it will all be okay, all we need is a few days to clear the water. I don’t think what has happened should have, and I don’t think we meant it to; it was just words being said that shouldn’t have. Everyone can see that it wasn’t supposed to happen…not yet anyway.


I forgot my name
I forgot my telephone number
If he wanna see me
He don't even know it
I forgot my address
Damsel in distress

I fell right through the cracks

I’m in a horrible mood. And I can’t tell you why. Well, I can, but I’m not going to. All I will say is that I’m very sick of never feeling like I’m special. With everything, and it’s gotten to the point where third, fourth, fifth parties see this as well. I’m sick of worrying. I’m sick of crying when I shouldn’t. I’m sick of never feeling loved enough. I always feel like I’m second best, and it’s really hurting me now.
I am supposed to get a laptop for Christmas. I also am supposed to pay my car insurance every month. I asked my dad if instead of the laptop, would he be able to pay my car insurance for the rest of the year because I never have money on me (and it kills me). I want to do Christmas shopping, I want to pay off my credit card, I want to fucking take my girlfriend out for dinner and buy her things. He told me he would pay my car insurance and that I didn’t have to worry about Christmas. I guess I’m still getting the laptop? I really don’t even want it anymore. I’m sick of being a bad son. I’m sick of always feeling like I disappoint everyone, when really I’m the one who’s hurt, and I have no clue how to fix it without getting more hurt. I cried. I hugged my dad for the first time in…a year and I cried on his shoulder. I’m crying now.
Jen wrote a blog a few weeks ago saying that she wished she could go back to sleep where is doesn’t hurt as much. Today I found out, first hand how that feels. I woke up and from the minute my eyes opened my heart hurt. I wanted to go back to sleep. I wanted to be happy like I was in my dream. I wanted to roll over and curl up next to Brittany and fucking feel safe and loved and wanted, but I couldn’t because she wasn’t next to me like she should have been.
Fran is the only person I can/did talk to. She’s the only one who can make me feel better, not even Brittany at this point. She won’t understand. I just wanted my weekend. The only time I have off all weekend and I’m home, alone, crying because I’m too much of a pussy to confront why I’m hurt.
I make myself sick.

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment, maybe sing with me
All - ah peaceful melody
And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

Think I'm just happy.

I cried on the way home today. I cried because my mind was overflowing with too many thoughts. I drove away and thought about my life; who I am; how people treat me; how others act around me. I thought about my dad, actually. For the first time ever I sympathized with my dad. He and I never had a good relationship, but I think that it’s gotten a little bit better the past year or so, but tonight I told my self that he isn’t a bad guy. My father works two full time jobs to support my family and I don’t blame him for coming home grumpy all the time. It just dawned on me that he works 80+ hours a week, and only runs on 3-5 hours of sleep a night. Sometimes no sleep at all. I don’t blame him for coming home and wanting to kiss my mom and have dinner and just relax. But no, he can’t; something is always going on in my house. I use to think that he was being stupid when he’d come home and yell because the house was “a mess”, or when we had friends over, or when my mom didn’t say hello to him or kiss him when he walked through the door. Within the past year I fell in love and I know for a fact that if I worked two jobs and was sleep deprived that the only thing that I looked forward to was coming home to Brittany and kissing her and spending my nights off with her, and I want to; I want to spend every night off with her. I want to come home to her after work and let any stress melt away as soon as my lips touch hers. My dad doesn’t get that; he sometimes doesn’t even get a “hi” from my mom. And it’s really sad. I always thought that when my parents fought, it was always my dad’s fault because he was ‘mean’ and ‘didn’t treat mom right’ but it’s sad to say that it’s the opposite. My mom can be very mean. I don’t want to say it, but she can be a bitch when she wants to.
You attach yourself to someone and want to give them everything and want to make them happy and will do anything to make that other person happy. My dad does that for us. I know that I’m wrong when I spend too much money, but I know that when I do I can run to daddy and he’ll fix it. I use to think that being spoiled was a good thing, but it’s not. And I’m the most spoiled person I know. The only thing my dads asks of me is to pay my car insurance on time, and 80% of the time I can’t. I never realized until this very moment that I am a horrible son. I don’t treat my parents with the amount of respect as I should (and they are partly to blame because I got away with everything as a kid), but I see it in my brothers as well. They get whatever they want and we don’t appreciate it as much as we should. My dad especially doesn’t get the recognition that he deserves.
Sigmund Freud was the one who said that all little boys are in love with their mothers, correct? Well he is right, to a point. I love my mom, but I don’t love her the way I love Brittany. I want to hug my mom and hang out with her but I want to kiss Brittany and have sex with her. It’s the same love, but different all the same. I do not want to be my dad, working all the time and then coming home to my mom who sometimes ignores him. I do not want to look forward to seeing Brittany after not seeing her all week and come home and not be acknowledged. I don’t want to bring her flowers and have her complain that I don’t care about her. I don’t want to sit alone, in the middle of the night and watch TV while my wife is upstairs, reading a book, wishing she was with Tobie Keith, but in a way I fell in love with my mom: I am a very emotional person and I get offended too easily. I can admit that. I over think little things, and take it personal when someone makes a joke about me. I don’t want to get hurt, no one does, but sometimes it happens and the other person doesn’t realize what they do. Fran, Ryan, Brittany and I are having this “contest” and I want to win (but I know I won’t), and I told Ryan tonight that “when I want something I but everything into it” and it’s 100% true. I put 100% of myself into everything/anyone I care about. If you tickle my fancy, you should be proud. I will treat you like gold (I don’t want to sound cocky). Right now Brittany is that gold (and I don’t want to ever let her go), and I put over 100% of myself into out relationship, and I know that I don’t have to because I already have her, and I know that she cares about me, but why then do I always feel like I’m never enough? Why can I do everything I possible can to show how much I love her but always feel like I don’t show it enough? How come I kick myself when I get mad at her (for things that I shouldn’t even be mad about) because I think it’s my fault? Why is it that I can never be 100% happy? Sure, when I’m alone with her I’m the happiest that I’ve ever been, but for some reason I can always turn something into something else and think about it until it poisons my mind and takes over, leaving me with nothing but doubt. Why can’t I just admit to myself that I don’t need to try anymore, that I have what I’ve been looking for and neither of us want to let it slip away. Why is it that I think about living with her and marrying her and having kids with her but some how secretly find myself in my dad’s shoes and fear that I’m not going to be loved as much as I should be, as much as I deserve to be? Maybe I’m just stupid.
The thing that got me the most while I was driving home was that I always tell myself I’m a good person and I deserve good things, but you know what? I’m a horrible person. I talk about people, sometimes my own friends behind their backs, I say that I’m all for the earth (but will be the first to throw plastic bottles in the garbage can), and I am a spoiled Pratt. What I hate about this is today, at work, the crazy bird girl came into the store and I told George, the new kid, that she’s crazy and weird. I made fun of her for his amusement and I didn’t feel bad about it. I helped her look for pokemon so I could get her out of my hair and talk about her more, and I ended up talking to her for a few minutes. She’s been a frequent customer for the past three years and every time she comes in we all talk about her. Today I found out that she’s an animal lover and a vegetarian (and as soon as I head that I thought then why are you fat?) and I still didn’t feel bad. What got me the worst was that she told me I seem like a really good person. It was this girl, who I’ve talked about behind her back for the past three years who told me the biggest lie that I’ve been telling myself and made me feel bad, for once, that I’ve been lying to myself. I am not a good person and maybe I deserve all the pain I feel and all the mixed thoughts, and the years of me being an awful son, and the doubt of being loved when really the truth is I’m Brittany loves me far too much then I deserve and I get mad at the times she doesn’t tell me she loves me, rather than appreciate the times that she does.

I'm not like them

But I can pretend

The sun is gone,But I have a light

the day is done,I'm having fun

I think I'm dumb

Or Maybe just happy