Thursday, August 23, 2012

inside you're just a little baby.

There is something going on in my apartment building. It all started when I was got out of bed to kick the cat (and myself) out of the bedroom because Le Boo was sleeping (that's french for the boo, by the way) and i heard muttering coming from outside, so I peeked out the window and saw the super and one of his kids standing outside talking to some woman pulling a wooden crate on a dolly. they were talking about something animatedly but i was like 'whatever" and proceeded to gather my laptop, my sketch book and my markers and went into the living room to watch some lesbian paraplegic midget porn, when I heard some crazy scraping noise coming from the hall way. I went to the door (after putting pants on)and looked out my little peek hole but I couldn't see anything!!! sooo...I opened the door super slowly and quietly and noticed that the noise in question was coming from the first floor, and since I live in a building with a somewhat spiral-like staircase I peeked down and saw the super sweeping the staircase violently, like it was covered in something and he was angrily trying to get rid of it. Obviously my first thought was that this woman with the crate and he were partners in murderous crime and they just killed the guy and one of his lady friends that live under me and is hiding their decaying bodies in the crate and is burying them under the staircase and the super is sweeping away any left over saw dust or bone marrow that they might have left from putting back the stairs together.

song title: I am not a robot by Marina and the Diamonds

Saturday, July 14, 2012

She's a crazy bitch, and that's why I love her.

Dearest Facebook friends,

I don't understand why some people feel the need to flood my news feed with depressing shit. First of all, if you're life is really as miserable as you say it is, go out and change it. A little secret, nobody is deliberately sitting at home coming up with ways to make your day(s# suck. If you are truly that depressed get up, go out and do something that makes you happy. Nobody is going to get better by just sitting around sulking.

It really pisses me off coming on here and reading all this shit. I am, for the most part, a cheerful person and I don't need your shit bringing me down. Isn't the whole point of social media to keep in contact with people long distances away? I doubt your friend who moved to Hawaii, or London, or wherever wants to hear about how shitty you're feeling.

With that said, if you do put your shit on here and someone asks "awww, what's wrong #insert name here) do you need to talk about it"? and you respond with "it's not something I want everyone to know" or "message me or text me" then DON'T POST ON HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!! Jesus Christ!!

Also, why I am ranting, I don't want to see 100 pictures of your face at the same angle every single day! Seriously? did you change so much in 3 hours that you need to post another picture of you making a duck face? Don't get me wrong, I love taking pictures of myself...all the time, but I don't need everyone on my friends list to see basically the same picture all the time. Change it up, or even better, don't take pictures of your ugly face hahaha!

title song: Crazy bitch- Rye Rye

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Bubblegum Bitch.

Lawdy, Lawdy, Ladwy!!! I can not believe it has been 8 months since I've last posted. I could have had a fucking mistake baby in that time period and be writting about that, but you all can sigh with relief because I am not here to tell you that I, nor Deirdre has popped out the spawn of satin and his sex slave. I seriously can not believe how long it has been since I've posted on here. honestly, I think I kind of forgot about this blog because Instagram and Facebook and Tumblr have obsorbed all my free time thanks to their convienent applications on my phone. Maybe if Blogger got a fucking app I would post more? eh? do they have one? I don't know. if they don't they should so you all can get into my completely morbid, sexual, fucked up mind all the time *grin* I am actually kind of cold for once since the begining of the summer. And yes, it is because of my air conditioner, but let me tell you this, ass hole (before you make some remark about that's why) air conditioner had been complete shit since I bought it at the oh-so-reliable Walmart *tips cowboy hat and take my hand out of my cousins pants*. I was so excited to get a new AC for our apartment and at such a good deal too, $135!!! I was like "Shit yeah" and bought it and had my friend, Christina drive me back to Brooklyn and help me install it only to find out that it is waaaaaaaaay too small for our apartment! It didn't go down past 80 degrees for the past week. It is now 75 in my apartment and I am kind of chilly...but I am not about to get all excited because my AC is working better now, it is only 75 in here because it's about 78 outide of the aparment #facepalm. Just incase you all forgot what I look like since I last posted somethings, here's a current picture of this beautiful face: Currently listening to: Marina and the Diamonds- Sex Yeah.

Monday, November 28, 2011

I want you to be my sex slave...

guuurrrrlll it's been sooo long since I've updated this. I know how long all you loyal (imaginary) readers out there have been patiently waiting for my arrival. well, bitches, I'm baaaaaccckkk and on a brand fucking new laptop! wha wha!! I totally went out on negro Friday and bought a new laptop at walmart for $400! The boo and I are sharing it because both of our old ones are no way, Jose! I'm super, SUPER excited for Christmas!! It's so close you can almost taste it (like your taint) and Deirdre and I put up our Christmas tree the other night. It's a combination of both of our trees so it's a little cray cray, but it's cute! I started shopping the other day and i must say that I have purchased a fuck load of stuff fo' super cheap! I have to give myself a pat on the back! What else have I been up to, eh? Just a whole lot of nothing. And by "nothing" I mean WORKING and moving out of my casa. Werd. Deirdre and I are staying with her parents for a little until my house goes into closing and we can have enough doolalas to move into our place in Brooklyn. I'm really really thankful that they are letting us stay here (with our pet mammath, Hermione). I would totally be sleeping on the corner of 42nd and 5th right now (again) if they didn't (only this time I would be homeless and not roofied after a bad night of being a lady of the night) Soo...I bought Rhianna's new album "Talk that talk" and I really like it! it's a million times better than "Loud" which was a bunch of bullshit. Loud my asshole. I've taken shits more exciting than that album. T^3 is really upbeat and sexy. My favorite, by far, is "birthday cake" but I'm fucking pissed that it isn't a full song! Obviously Rhianna lost some marbles up there when Chris Brown bashed her face in and she had a moment of retardation and decided to make her BEST SONG on the album an interlude. Girl needs to check herself. In other news I really really need to take a shower because I'm pretty sure that after wearing a cashmere sweater all day and working in a 80 degree store I smell like a homeless person (and it doesn't help that I didn't do anything to my hair today so I'm rocking a fro today too). I look like a homeless, Hipster Jew and I'm none of them. Iight, inter web (that's what Deirdre calls it. inter web) I'm going to jerk it in the shower and cry after. peace. ...set my whole body on fire.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Mama I'm in love...

...With a criminal.

I kind of really like Femme Fatale. It's no Blackout, but still.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Day light savings

with Daylight savings a week ago, I figured I'd post a short story I wrote a while ago. I actually can't remember if I've previously posted this, so if I did I'm sorry.

Daylight savings

Jane opens her eyes, blinking, trying to focus what’s around her. The legs move. Over the side of the bed, careful not to wake Henry. Toes reach the floor, heels reach the floor. Hems drop into place. 1:58. Shit. I only have three more hours. Jane apathetically walks across the room. Cold. The ground is cold. I should turn up the heat. Feet make their way to the doorway. Knobs turn. Jane enters. Floresent lights blind her. Blink. Blink. Focus. Seat up, panties down, bladder empty. Flush. The sink gets turned on. Water runs, lights die, doors close.

it’s so fucking cold. Jane makes her way to the thermostat 45? Holy fuck, Marc are you trying to kill me? Fingers reach the needle. Slide. 68. he’s fucking crazy. How the hell can he sleep like that? Jane shuffles back to the bed, arms wrapped around herself. isn’t he cold? Head to pillow. Jane rolls over facing the man laying next to her. Kiss. Henry stirs in his sleep. Eyes twitch.

“What are you doing”
“Jane, what time is it”?
Henry checks his watch. “It’s 2 in the morning, why the hell are you up”?
“Henry, aren’t you cold? How can you sleep when it’s so fucking cold”?
“What are you talking about? I’m dying. It’s like a sauna in here”
“What!? A sauna? It was 45 in here. I had to raise the heat”
“raise the heat? It’s the middle of summer, why would you do that”
“because it’s freezing in here”
“I swear to God, Jane you will be the death of me”
“Fuck you. I’m cold”.
“Well, come here and I’ll warm you up” Henry grabs Jane and holds her in his arms.

Kiss. what’s that? Kiss. Kiss. Taste. blood. Jane leans in close. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Thirst.

“Baby, now you’re talking”! Henry grabs Jane. Lips touch. Hands feel. Aroused.

Taste. need it. Kiss. want it.

Henry parts his lips. Hands feel. “You like that”? need. Henry pushes Jane’s lips apart with his tongue.

Jane feels his tongue in her mouth blood, why do I taste blood. kiss. Tongue. Blood. blood. The kiss deepens. Hands feel. Hands under clothes, hard under clothes. Jane kisses her way up Henry’s neck. blood. kiss. blood. Jane can’t think. Bite. Blood.

“Ouch, Jane what the fuck”? Henry pulls away from Jane, grabbing his shoulder with his hand. “What the fuck was that I’m bleeding”

Blood. Jane takes in the smell, a mixture of sugar and metal.

“Jane, are you okay”


“What the FUCK? JANE!”

Taste. Blood. Gasping for air. Scream. Blood. Drink.

“Jane JANE! Stop it”! Bite. “Get off of me fucking crazy bitch”!

Taste. Rip. Tear. Black.

Henry slams the door shut. The lock clicks. “What the fuck?” He stumbles to the sink and run the water through his hands, washing the blood away. It burns. Henry looks at himself in the mirror. Blood is gushing from his shoulder. Water. Burn.

“What the-”? there is a piece of skin missing from his shoulder. Henry grabs a facecloth and applies pressure on his wound. In the mirror he notices he has more scratches and gashes all over his body.

What’s happening? Sun? why is the sun coming up this hour? Jane walks to the window. The streets are dead. Henry. Where’s Henry? Why isn’t he in bed”? Footsteps make their way to the bathroom.

Knock. Knock. Knock. The knob shakes. “Henry? Honey are you in there”?
“What? What are you talking about”
“Crazy bitch”!
“What the fuck is your problem”!?

Knob stops. “Henry, open the door”!

Swish. Metal. blood


Nails rip at Henry’s flesh. Henry’s entire body burns. Every inch of him is begging to die.

Kill. Jane latches herself onto Henry, clawing at him. Blood splattering everywhere. The sun is getting brighter. Light beams into the blood splattered room. Kill.

Henry fights. Push. Punch. Cough. Cough. Stumble. Kick.

Henry grabs a hold of Jane and throws her up against the wall. Punch. Punch.

Jane laughs. Blood. Her eyes focuses on Henry’s. Kill. Attack. Jane jumps on to Henry. Henry stumbles. Stumbles back. Stumbles into the corner of Jane’s dark wood dresser. Corner meets head. Blood. Blood. Black.

The sun is bright. Eat. Jane sits on the bed. Jane sits on the blood covered bed. There is something in Jane’s lap. Jane is hunched over. Eating. The sun dims. Hiss. Jane looks up into the light. Face covered in blood. Jane hisses at the sunlight. Time is almost up. Jane goes back to her eating. Eating. Blood. Flesh. There is a trail of blood on the bed, dripping onto the floor. Drip. Drip. The drip leads to a puddle. The puddle is around something; Henry’s body. The body is ripped. The body is ripped to pieces.

The sun dims. full. Jane stops eating. sleep. Light dims. Head to pillow. Blood drips clean off the bed. Jane sleeps.

Drip. Drip. Drip. Blood falls onto Henry’s lifeless remains. Drip. Water. Water drips. Water drips into a sac of muscle. Drip. Drip. Drip. Shuffle. Stir. Water.

The light is so dim. Drip. Drip.


Jane opens her eyes, blinking, trying to focus what’s around her. The legs move. Over the side of the bed, careful not to wake Henry. Toes reach the floor, heels reach the floor. 1:58. Shit. I only have three more hours.

Hello Aunt Spanish, you look bonita.

Obviously I have some sort of sleeping problem. It seems that evert time I should be sleeping, I can’t. see the thing is, I took a quick nap (by quick I mean 3 hour) and now I can’t sleep…this might also be because I made myself an iced coffee right after I took a nap, so that on top of my mini coma made me super awake and now it is once again, 2:30 in the morning and I am wide awake.

In other news Boo and I have been watching Ugly betty. I love this show sooooo fucking much. I wish it never got canceled. It was amazing. I love the Suarez family. When Deirdre and I move to queens we have to befriend them (because they are real, I refuse to believe they aren’t)

Anyway, I’m bored. Peace.