I think I’ll miss this one this year.

Hmm…it’s new years eve. In less than two hours it will be 2009. 2008 seemed to flash by in a blur, right? It seems like it was just yesterday that I was getting ready to go to Jons house and party it up with my best friend, Fran, my girlfriend, Brittany, and my favorite bunny lovin’ buddy, Jenny. Last new years eve was awesome. It was my first time just doing whatever and partying. I didn’t stay home with my family, nor did I go to someone’s house and just chill.

January: the only thing that sticks out in my mind from January 2008 was Hairspray. Brittany got us tickets for Christmas and it was my favorite gift ever. I loved that show. So much.

February: the second month was the Spice Girls concert. Fran and I went to see our favorite British girl band in the world. Nothing will compete with that…maybe not even Britney Spears’s concert this march.

March: march was march. That was it.

April: Jenny’s birthday. Sleepovers, and lovin.

May: may. May may may. What happened in may? I don’t remember *shifty eyes* um…the end of classes and the start of summer break.

June: birthday week. Car stereo, going to a bar for the first time, the start of the best summer.

July: Six flags! Taking Brittany to the city for her interview with the police academy and walking around and riding the subways for the first time with bffl. Meeting family, drinking, laying around and doing nothing.

August: I cut my hair. Everything started to change. New semester, Brittany started the academy, Fran got a new roommate, Jen stopped working at KB as much, but life was still good.

September: started getting discounts on hairdye again (thanks Bffl), skipping class to go to the mall.

October: Halloween, distance, parties, hospital, change.

November: November, fuck November. Thanksgiving, black Friday, heart break. Then it all went still.

December: here I am, sitting at Frans dinning room table, on my laptop that I just got for Christmas…Christmas that just passed but doesn’t feel like it. New years is a blur. I’m stuck in the past. I can’t remember what’s been happening. KB is closing. The economy sucks. I dropped out of school. I don’t know what to do. I’m the third wheel for one in my life, and I’ll do anything to numb that feeling. I’m never home; I’m always working, or out, or thinking. This year needs to end, and so does the next one (because we all know 2009 will be a bad year). Let’s go back to December 31st 2007, and wake up January 1st, 2010. Thanks.

Too many street lights.

Today. Today was pretty freaking cool. My brothers had hockey practice, so I was able to sleep in fo real real. Like one oclock real. I woke up and called my poppy because it was his birthday. I got dressed, and was going to go to the park, but decided, after driving there, that I didn’t want to, so I drove home, got changed, and drove over to my nanny and poppys house.

Before going there I stopped at shop rite and picked up a carvel ice cream cake, and some candles. My nanny, poppy, and I went to chilis for dinner and I got really really good chicken tacos. Like REALLY good. Maybe my new favorite dish there. After dinner, we ate cake (which I recorded on my webcam for fun), then I hung out with them for a while.

Next I went to Best buy and bought The Office: season four. Jen and I decided that we were going to hang out and I was going to give her her gifts. So I went home, cleaned my room a bit, and then Jenny came on over.

For Christmas I published one of Jens books, and I think she really liked it ^_^ I mean, she was speachless…which is more of a response than I thought of. I’m really glad she was happy with it. I also threw in The House Bunny because it was such a good movie.

Next we went to Starbucks, and got yummy fraps and then I curled her hair with her new curling iron which comes with its own glove because that’s how hot it gets…seriously. I could feel the heat even with the glove on.

We talked a bit and then decided we wanted to have a sleepover…I believe the conversation went like this:

Jen: Andrew, I wish you were a girl, so we can have sleepovers
Me: please jen, like I haven’t had a girl sleep over before
Jen: I’m not allowed to sleep over boys houses…
Me: but how come you can sleep over jons?
Jen: because my mom knows I’m fucking him
*laughs*
Me: so tell her you’re sleeping over Frans…or we can sleep at Frans

Then we drove over to Frans, without telling her we were sleeping over…*giggle*

At Frans we wanted to stay up and talk and work on the webshow we want to start, but we played Singstar instead…for like three hours…

Now I’m laying on the couch in the basement, and jens on the air mattress probably hating me right now for typing because she needs to get up in like three and a half hours…so I guess I’ll go now…

Peace.



the way you walk,
the way you talk,
the way you say my name its beautiful,
wonderful dont u ever change

When did you become a Robocop?

I had a really good day. I woke up, didn’t have a hangover, and then went to work. Work was dead, so I drew most of my shift. After work I went out with Sam. She’s never been to the Outback, so I took her there. While there we talked. Like really talked and my level of respect for her increased tremendously. Sam is one of those people that you can tell anything to, and you know she won’t judge you no matter what. And she’s one of those people that can tell you anything and you still have the same outlook on her. After Outback we went back to her house and played Life: twist and turn edition. That game is sooo awesome! It’s all electronic so there is no money; you have a visa card. I need that game. I really want to start having game nights. I think it would be really fun. Like twice a month everyone gets together and plays a board game. That would be really cool.

Anyway, I want to start a web show. About what? I don’t know, but I think it would be fun to just record myself and see what people think about it. Of course I wouldn’t be alone; Fran and Jenny (and whoever wants to help) will be on it too. I think that Jen can record herself singing and then we can post it on youtube and then we’ll all get famous ^_^
That’s about it. Peace.

Stop...drop...roll...pop bitch I'm cold....
I Ain't used to being told stop
So I could never be your robot

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm mm mm Mm

I'm writing this in Fran's bathroom. why? because i can. muahahah!

Outragous when i';m at a party!

i am a few things:

1)drunk
2)lonely
3)horny (but you didn't need to know that)
4)amazing
5)sexy
6)adorable
7)adorqable
8)crazy
9)ready to play Singstar
10)Drunk.
11)happy
12)texting Angie
13)Fraqn and Ryan are habing sex upstairs right now
14) i'm in the basement waiting for Bffl because we;re going to play singstar
15)going to regret posting this tomorrow morning....

...speaking of which; I have work tomorrow from 12-5. lalala.

I miss having someone to cuddle with. i miss cuddles.

blah.

peace out.

burn burn burn, baby burn.

i have off. on a saturday. weird, huh? i don't know what to do with myself. i think i want to get another tattoo today, but i don't want to spend money (tehe). i really should go to the bank because i have a check i have to deposit, and the bank closes in 40 minutes, and if i don't go today i have to wait til monday...eek. i should get dressed and go, but my bed is really comfortable. i'm sitting in bed with Joanie (my laptop), and we're just chillin.

i had a weird dream last night/this morning. i dreamed that i stole a car and was being chased my the police, and i drove the car into an adult shop to hide, and somehow they found me...then i made "friends" with them, and i went to a piercing place to get my penis pierced (which is something i might do...one day, but it's another one of those "i don't know" things).

then i drove to some one's house and talked to them for a little then got kicked out because i was "unwelcome there" but my dad was there because he and his friend was hunting on their lawn. fucking crazy, huh?

anyway, Christmas was two days ago. i had fun, but i wished that i had something else to do. Christmas here is always the same, and it would have been nice not to be home, but at someone elses house. i got my laptop, and money, and new bed sheets, and cologne, and The house bunny dvd, and um...an awesome robot lamp from Fran, and a new sketchbook, and markers, and a few gift cards and such.

Iiiight, i really should get to the bank *sulk*. peace out.

so watch me strike a match
on all my wasted time
as far as i'm concerned
you're just another picture to burn

I almost didn't notice all the roses.

I cannot believe that it is Christmas eve. It does not feel like it at all. I’m seriously like “wooah”

Shopping is a therapy for me. Seriously. I always feel better after I spend money. Tonight, after work I went to target. I bought myself:

-two Taylor swift Cds
-a t shirt
-two lamps
-a small silver bedside lamp with a white shade (that I might draw on)
-a tall, black stand up lamp with three heads.
-bottled waters
-a new feather pillow
-orange sheets
-blue sheets
-a brown bed skirt
-car air fresheners
-face wash
-deodorant
-100 calorie packs
-cheetos
-chex mix
-gum
-peach detox tea

I think that’s it. I spent $200 and I felt really good. Sometimes I feel guilty for spending money, but not tonight. I felt really really happy. When I got home I cleaned my room, remade my bed (with blue sheets) and am going to use my new pillow tonight. I needed a change. My old sheets and pillows were…old, and boring, and dull.
^_^ I love me.

Ohh shyei, oh shyei

Two things that I never thought I’d do:

Number one: become addicted to a video game. Melany went out and bought Singstar the other night. It’s a karaoke game for Playstation, and it’s fucking awesome. I mean AWESOME! It’s so addicting. Mel, Fran and I stayed up for hours singing our hearts out and making it into a drinking game. Seven shots later Mel and I were on the floor. I never ever sung in front of either of them the way that that game makes me sing. My voice went horse from belting my favorite songs. The game is so addicting that Fran went out and bought another version of it yesterday. So Fran, Ryan and I played last night, and naturally, we made it into a drinking game again. Two nights in a row I toasted to losing a game to Fran, that fuck face magee.

Number two: have a celebrity crush. Fran has Prince William, Jen has what’s his face (spike from Buffy), my mom has Toby Keith, and I have Taylor swift. I thought she was cute when she first became popular, and I will admit that Teardrops on my Guitar was a little annoying when it came out, but listening to her more and more her voice makes me week in the knees. I’m not a big fan of country music, but I’d listen to it with her. Okay, okay, she dated a Jonas brother, but whatever. Don’t judge.

私がクリスマスとして捜索している全部があなたであなた

私は考えるのをやめることができません。 私はそれを止めることができません。 私はそれを止める必要があります。 私は孤独です。 私は彼女がいなくて残念に思います。 私は彼女を持って、彼女にキスして、彼女と一緒にいるのを逃します。 私はばか野郎〔尻の穴〕です。 私がただどのように何かを貸すことができたか離れてのその重要なスリップ〔誤り〕？ 公平ではありません。 私は考えて、考えて、自分を具合が悪くします。 それがあなたのように感じる具合が悪いことが投げ上げるはずののどの後ろのそのかたまり． 私は泣きたいです、しかし、自分にそれをさせません。 私は泣きくずれて、全部を出すことを望んでいます。 私は彼女と話をしないか、あるいは彼女の言うことを聞くのを逃します。 私は彼女と戦うのを逃します。 それは壊されますか？ 私が彼女を持っているのを逃して私に腹を立てています。 私は彼女を愛しています。 私は常にそうします。 私は彼女を除く他の人と自分に会うことができません。 私たちがお互いを傷つけるだけ、私は彼女を必要としています。 私は彼女を必要としています。 私が彼女と同居して、毎朝彼女の隣で目覚めて、ベッドの前で彼女にキスすることを望んでいる　毎晩と私。 私はこれに起こらせることのために自分に腹を立てています。 私は決して以前これまで生命〔生活〕の何も惜しみませんでした。 私はその週末を惜しみます。 私は赤ん坊だったことを残念に思います。 私は感情を遠くに行かせすぎて、全部を壊したことを残念に思います。 私はとても彼女がいなくて残念に思います。 私は彼女の夢を見ずにある夜行くことができません。 私は本気です。 私は彼女のないある夜夢の1つの中に破裂しに行っていません。 悲しくなることなしで私は例えば彼女の名前で内でそうすることができません。 私は、私に彼女を思い出させる幻を見続けます。 私は時間を逆行させたいです。 私は私との彼女の後ろが欲しくて、...これまで彼女を愛しているのをやめることができると思いません。

I am a weapon of massive consumption.

I am so full. Not even normal full, but I ate too much, I can feel it in the back of my throat kind of full. I feel like a giant ball. I am not eating tomorrow. It is going to take a full 24 hours to digest all this food that is in me. I feel absolutely disgusting. It’s gross…

Anyway, I went shopping with Jenny today ^_^ I love shopping with her because she never tells me not to buy something. Instead of “Andrew, you don’t need that” she says “Ooo…they’re on sale…buy both”. That is what I need to hear sometimes. Shopping for me is a medicine. It makes me feel good. It numbs everything. But unfortunately it doesn’t have a permanent affect; once the medicine wears off you are ill again, and you need more. I wish I had an unlimited supply of money and I could just shop all the time. You can never buy too much; that’s my philosophy.

KB is closing. It’s sad, but I’m kind of happy. I see it as a chance for all of us to move on. It feels like a graduation. A KB school graduation. I’ve wanted to leave for a while, but I always found a reason to stay. The store just sucks you in. Fran and Brittany left. It seems like they were the only ones who can resist the bug light that is KB toys. Jen and I talked a little about it today; we’re going to miss the people the most. The store itself is whatever. The customers can fuck themselves, but the people we met there we’ll miss. It’s going to be weird texting Karen or Dave… or LINDA just to hang out, and we can’t just hang out with them alone, we need to hang out all together. We’ve become some weird family and it’s kind of like our parents are getting a divorce and we’re all being separated. I am happy though. I think by closing we’re all going to be doing something a lot better with our lives. Dave can finally get a teaching job, Linda might actually make Randy get a job, I will somehow find what I want to do in life, and Karen will have more time to herself. I think she needs it the most. She works way too hard, and it’s time for a break; we all think so.

Fran, Ryan and I went to see the day the earth stood still the other night, and I thought it was really good. I didn’t see the original (or at least I don’t remember seeing it), so I had nothing to compare it to, but it was pretty good. I really liked the moral of the story (even though we will never change). I think that they pulled it off well, but people just don’t get it. The people sitting next to us, watching the same movie about saving the environment left their fucking garbage on their seats when the movie was over. I just don’t understand people. Society is made up of ass holes.

I need new boxers. I’m getting sick of the ones I own. I keep going to the store to buy new ones but I just don’t like any of the ones out right now. Target had the best ones and they don’t have them anymore and it sucks because I really want more. I’ve bought some but I don’t wear them because they just aren’t…special I guess ^_^

Ok cupid has taken over my life. I’m constantly checking my page to see who’s stalked me and it’s getting sick. I’m talking to three girls right now and they are all really really nice, but two of them live 400 miles away, and one is…has a really good personality *grin* I miss being hugged. I really do. Sometimes I feel like the third wheel when I hang out with people. Out of our group, I’m basically the only single person, and it sucks. I want to hang out with people, but I always feel bad because I know that they would much rather be with their significant other (I know I would)…it’s like Who am I supposed to hang out with and not feel bad for doing it? I miss going to the store and seeing stupid little things and laughing to myself about it because it’s an inside joke, or looking at my phone and seeing I have a new message that isn’t from someone I texted first. Sigh. It’s the season. Christmas can be the happiest time of year, or the saddest, and I didn’t think I’d ever be kind of sad during Christmas. All I want to Christmas is that feeling. You go so long without it and you never know how amazing it is, then you have it and you don’t want to let it go, then you lose it and you miss it, and everything reminds you of it. I listened to Taylor Swifts new song, Love story, and I fucking cried. It isn’t even that good of a song, but I got chills up my spine, and Goosebumps all over and tears in my eyes. I’m a big pussy, I know. Shut up.

I'll take my clothes off and it will be shameless
'Cuz everyone knows that's how you get famous
I'll look at the sun and I'll look in the mirror
I'm on the right track yeah I'm on to a winner

Beautiful nightmare.

I think I’m addicted to writing blogs since I have no life. It seems like all I do is work, then come home and write a blog. Well tonight Jen and I went to how may and then went to see Bolt! That movie was fucking adorable. I remember seeing a preview for it a few months ago and not wanting to see it. I thought it looked really stupid…but I guess it’s the movies that you don’t have any expectations for are the best, huh? Well…this movie was so cute!!!! I need to have it on dvd!

While in the theater, we watched a very slowly blinking screen with the words “up next: your feature presentation” for about a half an hour and sung along to the Christmas music that was playing…the best part of it was when Jen turns to me and says “What if I have a case of really slowly active epilepsy and I start having a seizure”? I almost peed myself. It came out of nowhere and was the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.
That is all for now. Night.

Look at my title. Have you ever had one of them? I have. I hate them. They are a dream so good that when you wake up, and realize that they’re not real, you feel awful. I’ve been getting them a lot, and they suck.


Clouds filled with stars cover your skies
And I hope it rains
You're the perfect lullaby
What kinda dream is this

Too much she say, he say

I’m going to kill my hamster. She is pissing me off. All I hear is her trying to escape from her cage, and somehow she does it. There is even a lock on the damn thing, but Olive has to be a fucking ninja doesn’t she?

Annnywaaay…I should really be getting to bed; it’s 1:03 in the morning, and I have to be up in like six hours. I’m going to drive Frannycakes back to ye ol Hofstra, then I gots me some work at 10. This new kid, Dennis stabbed himself with Jens epi pen and had to go to the hospital…so I’m starting an hour earlier tomorrow to pick up the slack of tonight. Oh new kids.
There is noone *that* attractive on okcupid. It must be so much easier being a girl on that site…I bet every (slutty) girl on there had tons of messages each day…because men are pigs, and will message anything with tits. Sigh.

I have Miley cyrus’s new song stuck in my head. I hate liking bad songs, it just irritates me. *shakes head*

I’ma gonna go read now. Peace.


Don't you wish that you could be a fly on the wall?
A creepy little sneaky little fly on the wall?
All my precious secrets, yeah, you'd know them all
Don't you wish that you could be a fly on the wall?

My face like a mannequin.

So Okcupid is addicting. Fuck you, Fran, and your ability to start trends. I keep reloading my page just to see who’s stalking me or sending me messages or who submitted a new test and what not. I’m not really on there to find someone or anything, but it is fun to see how many people look at your profile and shit. Right now I’m in the middle of a message conversation with some girl from Lake Grove about the Twilight series. I know, right? Anyway, she seems cool, but she is in no way my dating material. Fo realz. I don’t want to sound mean, but I have standards. Anyways…all I do is work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. I went to the bagel store for Linda and Erin today (because they wanted hot chocolate and I had no problem leaving work to stand on line for them). On the way I passed Payless. I walked in and said hi to this girl Janelle (who actually has an okcupid account…and is pretty cute…and knows my friend Rebecca [whom I hung out with the other night and it was super fun…more to come later] ^_^) and she said “Andrew, don’t you have a life”? to which I answered “no” and “anything to get out of that store. I seriously don’t like the new kids” we talked for a little then I actually went to the bagel store.

Like I said earlier: I hung out with Rebecca the other night. It was super fun. I had work till 7:30 so I just drove over to her house after. We just talked and watched Old school and But I’m a cheerleader and laughed and stuff. We made pizza and ate brownies out of the pan with forks. It was really nice to see her. I seriously think it was a year since we last hung out, but it felt like we hang out all the time. There are just some friends that you don’t need to see all the time to feel like you do, and Rebecca is one of those friends. I’ve known her for like fourteen years and it never gets boring when we chill (regardless it’s like twice a year, but still).

HOLY FUCK! How could I let this stay in for so long? I got tickets to the CIRCUS (brought to you by Britney Spears). Hell yeah! I’m going to see Britney in concert for the third time. I can’t fucking wait! It’s March 23rd at the Nassau coliseum. I’m so pumped! Should be awesome!
I should bounce now. I’m getting tired (but I get to sleep in late tomorrow. I don’t have work until two). Ciao.


I cannot help myself, I'm just doing what I do
Help myself to get anything I want so thank you
I like it and I do what I like
And then you do what I like and you like it

party monster.

sometimes i wish i were a celebrity.


money
success
fame
glamour
for we are living in the age of the thing.

Everybody gonna trip just like a circus.

I love showering. I love washing myself and feeling clean. I love stepping out of the tub and drying myself off and feeling the coolness of the post shower hit my skin. I love running a towel through my hair and watching it curl. I hate the way it dries most of the time, but u like it wet. I love going to bed after a shower even more. Especially if you have new sheets! I love the way the cotton feels against my bare skin. It’s like…I don’t know…awesome. I hate feeling clean and shiny and walking into a dirty room though. My room isn’t dirty, but it needs to be vacuumed pretty badly, and our vacuum is a piece of shit and doesn’t pick up anything at the moment.

I also love texting. I love feeling my phone vibrate in my pocket because I know that someone is talking to me. I love my ipod, and family guy, and ugly betty. I love a lot of things right now. And grape soda. I love grape soda with pizza (which is what I had for dinner tonight). I have a lot of love to give away. CUDDLES! I love cuddles and I want to cuddle right now!! RIGHT NOW DAMNIT!! Tehe. I’m going to go read now. Peace.


I feel the adrenaline moving through my veins
Spotlight on me and i'm ready to break
I'm like a performer, the dancefloor is my stage
Better be ready, hope that ya feel the same

Well at least I don't have all the power in the world so I can't fuck everything else up

Listen, I’m not going to sugarcoat this, so deal, k? I’ve been in a rut for almost three weeks now, and I’m sick of it. I just want to be myself again. I’ve been trying to occupy myself and not let myself be home or anywhere alone. I’m trying really hard to keep myself from thinking. Thank god it is the Christmas season or I wouldn’t be working so much. Work is the only place I can be 100% distracted, and I don’t want to leave it. I hate when my shift’s over (and I’ve been working non stop 10+ hour shifts). I hate going home because when I’m here I know I can think; I know I can go over things in my mind that I don’t want to go over but I do anyway.

I’m not going to lie, I’m hurt. Really hurt. There is still a hole inside of me that I don’t know if it’ll be fixed anytime soon. I know that she’ll read this, but I don’t care right now. I loved Brittany, and I know she loved me too, and yes, it sucks that we broke up, but if it wasn’t going to work out why should we stay? The thing that gets me the worst is that we’re supposed to be friends. Friends. Something that I want to be with her. I hate not talking to her, I hate not seeing her. I hate not getting responds to texts I sent her (but hey, she doesn’t respond to anyone), and I hate not knowing anything that’s happening. Now I know how Jen and Fran feel; they lived their friendship with her through me. They’d ask me how she was doing because they didn’t talk to her for weeks at a time. If Brittany wants to just be friends with me I’m going to deal with that. I would rather have her just as a friend than not have her at all. I’m slowly getting over everything, but the lack of not hearing from her isn’t helping. Out of sight out of mind, right? Well…healing with no sight sucks because eventually we’ll forget about each other and not care about each other. I’ve been trying really hard to see her but I’m being ignored. I don’t want pity or anything, and I know I shouldn’t be posting this, but I don’t want to hold it in, and maybe by posting this it’ll help? I don’t know. If we are friends than why do I feel like I was tossed aside? Friends talk to each other, right? They don’t just ignore what the other person is saying. Maybe she needs more time, or maybe she just fucking hates me and wants nothing to do with me. Either way, I just want her to be happy. *shrugs*. Maybe I wasn’t the best boyfriend, but I want to be a great friend, and I don’t even feel like a friend right now. I’m not a mind reader, so I don’t know what’s going on in her head, but I think that I put out there (many times) how I feel about everything…*grimace*

I’m really thankful for my friends (actual friends). If it weren’t for Fran, Melany, and Jen I would be a fucking mess.

Fran: she’s my best friend. We’ve known each other for six years, and I can always be myself around her. I don’t have to pretend to be something I’m not. She’s the only friend that I feel over 100% comfortable around and I can just drive over to her house (or dorm), walk in and be like “what up”? And it’ll be fine. Fran’s the most level-headed person I know, and will tell me like it is. She doesn’t tell me things I want to hear, but things I need to hear. I really don’t know who I’d be if I never met her. She’s a good old buddy, old pal, and I know that if we ever lost touch with each other and we just bumped into each other on the streets in ten years it would be like nothing changed’ we’d still be us, laughing about random things and being retarded

Melany (bffl): I can tell her the things that I don’t want to tell anyone else. Bffl and I have some weird kind of connection between us; it’s like we’re kind of the same person (only completely different), she kind of makes any fears of mine go away, and I become more adventures when I’m with her. Like Friday, if I were with anyone else I would have never thought of going to the mall on the craziest day of the year. =)

Jenny: what can I say? Jen is fucking awesome. She’s as sensitive as I am, and I know that I can talk to her about something that upset me and she’ll completely understand. Within a year her and I have gotten a million times closer. Jenny is the only person I feel 100% comfortable singing around, because I know that she won’t make fun of me for being horrible, and she is the only one from our group that still works at KB with me, and working with her is always fun. The other day in target I told her she was the Jacob to my Bella (without the whole love thing going on), but she can always make me feel better and kind of fills that hole inside of me.

As far as other friends, I’m really thankful of you too, but these three have helped me soooo much and they are the best!


Sometimes I think that you hate me
And other times I think you that you think I'm endearing
Well sometimes I just don't know you at all
Even though I'd like to think I was a bit of a know it all
Sometimes I just can't work you out
Even though I'd like to know what you were about

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

So…today is thanksgiving. What did I do? Well…I woke up at 11:30 or so because my family was sitting around and talking (very loudly) while they watched the Macy’s day parade. So, I got up, ate some bacon and watched the last half hour of the parade. After that I went online for a while then got dressed. I must say, I looked fucking adorable today. I sent out a mass text wishing everyone a happy thanksgiving and headed towards my nanny’s house.

We got to my nanny’s house and greeted everyone. When my Aunt dawn and uncle Mike came over I ran to 7-11 to pick up Smirnoffs (because all we had was beer and a bottle of jack). I drank yummy smirnoffs (because I’m a real man) and ate yummy turkey. What did I do after that? Well, like any other male specimen I sat on the couch and fell asleep. Nice, huh? When I woke up (not by choice; my brother was playing drums annoyingly loud) I sat in the kitchen and doodled a little. My poppy sat down next to me and had a talk about…stuff *grin*. He’s such a funny guy; he told me not to be “Chingaga” about it (*shrugs* I don’t know what it means either). It was nice to actually laugh. I had no clue what he was talking about, but it put a smile on my face.
So, now I’m home and writing this. I guess I had a good night, but I wish I celebrated with more people *grimace*. I must go now. I have work in…three hours. Wish me luck.
Peace.

Now put your hands up
Up in the club, we just broke up
I’m doing my own little thing
Decided to dip but now you wanna trip
Cuz another brother noticed me

You set my soul alight

I’m so blank. I have nothing to do. I haven’t drawn lately. I finished my book. I’ve been living at work for the past week. It’s winter so I’ll be there all the time, which I guess helps, but I’m getting sick of looking at the same things. I’m tired of being broke because I want to just go out. I want to get in my car and just leave. I can’t! next week when I get paid I can’t just leave; it’s black Friday. I’m working a twelve hour shift that day (and probably that Wednesday and Friday as well). I feel very empty. I’ve been trying to occupy myself, but nothing is working. I’ve been trying to watch the sex and the city movie, but I can never just sit down in the living room and watch it, and I can’t watch it in my room because my dvd player is retarded. My room is a mess (the worst it’s ever been in a while), I haven’t thought about anything to wear, my hair has seen better days, I haven’t worn contacts in the past five days, my bed is unmade, I’ve been forgetting things. I’m sick of it. Why the fuck can’t I just get over it and go on with my life? Because I don’t want to. Maybe I like feeling like this. Maybe I think I deserve to feel empty and lonely. Maybe I like sulking because I want attention or affection (but I shake them off when I’m given it). I just want to be held. I want someone to hug me and tell me it’ll be okay. I want someone to kiss my cheek and put their fingers through my hair and lay with me until I stop being such an ass hole. I’m a happy person, but I just can’t feel happy right now.

I thought I was a fool for no-one

Oh baby I'm a fool for you

You're the queen of the superficial

And how long before you tell the truth

Put it on paper

These are the lyrics to that really stupid song that i wrote a while ago and didn't let anyone see. i figured it wouldn't matter is everyone saw them now...whatever. it's done in the G chord, btw.

Woke up this morning got out of bed
The ghosts of my dreams dance in my head
I pour me some coffee or a good glass of wine
I say to myself “self today will be fine”

I look in the mirror and what do I see
A thousand white lies staring back at me
Boy you can do this man you’ll be fine
Quit being foolish straighten your spine

Dance to your music sing to your song
Making this happen is taking too long
I want it to finish unravel it self
Just another hobby to sit on my shelf
I want it so simple I want it so tough
Word can’t describe that you’re more than enough
Stop being stupid boy make up your mind
Put it on paper you’re wasting my time

Sometimes I wonder is this right to do
Fights crash like thunder but somehow we come thru
It’s noiseless I can confess what I’m about to do
Every kiss I give is a silent love you

It’s not easy putting it into words
I try but It seems like it’s all gone unheard
Let me show you exactly how I feel
Let me prove that this eternal flame is real

Dance to your music sing to your song
Making this happen is taking too long
I want it to finish unravel it self
Just another hobby to sit on my shelf
I want it so simple I want it so tough
Word can’t describe that you’re more than enough
Stop being stupid boy make up your mind
Put it on paper you’re wasting my time

I’m trying and searching for something I can’t say
I’m worried I’ll lose you in the worst possible way
I’m growing into something I’ve never been
Thank you for bringing out the man that was within

Dance to your music sing to your song
Making this happen is taking too long
I want it to finish unravel it self
Just another hobby to sit on my shelf
I want it so simple I want it so tough
Word can’t describe that you’re more than enough
Stop being stupid boy make up your mind
Put it on paper you’re wasting my time

Put it on paper you’re wasting my time
Put it on paper you’re wasting my time

Woke up this morning got out of bed
The ghosts of my dreams dance in my head
I pour me some coffee or a good glass of wine
I say to myself “self today will be fine”

When we touch, I melt like butter

What can I say? I’m depressed. I feel like I should cry, but I’m not. There is something inside of me that is holding me together and telling me that it will all be okay, all we need is a few days to clear the water. I don’t think what has happened should have, and I don’t think we meant it to; it was just words being said that shouldn’t have. Everyone can see that it wasn’t supposed to happen…not yet anyway.


I forgot my name
I forgot my telephone number
If he wanna see me
He don't even know it
I forgot my address
Damsel in distress

I fell right through the cracks

I’m in a horrible mood. And I can’t tell you why. Well, I can, but I’m not going to. All I will say is that I’m very sick of never feeling like I’m special. With everything, and it’s gotten to the point where third, fourth, fifth parties see this as well. I’m sick of worrying. I’m sick of crying when I shouldn’t. I’m sick of never feeling loved enough. I always feel like I’m second best, and it’s really hurting me now.
I am supposed to get a laptop for Christmas. I also am supposed to pay my car insurance every month. I asked my dad if instead of the laptop, would he be able to pay my car insurance for the rest of the year because I never have money on me (and it kills me). I want to do Christmas shopping, I want to pay off my credit card, I want to fucking take my girlfriend out for dinner and buy her things. He told me he would pay my car insurance and that I didn’t have to worry about Christmas. I guess I’m still getting the laptop? I really don’t even want it anymore. I’m sick of being a bad son. I’m sick of always feeling like I disappoint everyone, when really I’m the one who’s hurt, and I have no clue how to fix it without getting more hurt. I cried. I hugged my dad for the first time in…a year and I cried on his shoulder. I’m crying now.
Jen wrote a blog a few weeks ago saying that she wished she could go back to sleep where is doesn’t hurt as much. Today I found out, first hand how that feels. I woke up and from the minute my eyes opened my heart hurt. I wanted to go back to sleep. I wanted to be happy like I was in my dream. I wanted to roll over and curl up next to Brittany and fucking feel safe and loved and wanted, but I couldn’t because she wasn’t next to me like she should have been.
Fran is the only person I can/did talk to. She’s the only one who can make me feel better, not even Brittany at this point. She won’t understand. I just wanted my weekend. The only time I have off all weekend and I’m home, alone, crying because I’m too much of a pussy to confront why I’m hurt.
I make myself sick.

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment, maybe sing with me
All - ah peaceful melody
And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

Think I'm just happy.

I cried on the way home today. I cried because my mind was overflowing with too many thoughts. I drove away and thought about my life; who I am; how people treat me; how others act around me. I thought about my dad, actually. For the first time ever I sympathized with my dad. He and I never had a good relationship, but I think that it’s gotten a little bit better the past year or so, but tonight I told my self that he isn’t a bad guy. My father works two full time jobs to support my family and I don’t blame him for coming home grumpy all the time. It just dawned on me that he works 80+ hours a week, and only runs on 3-5 hours of sleep a night. Sometimes no sleep at all. I don’t blame him for coming home and wanting to kiss my mom and have dinner and just relax. But no, he can’t; something is always going on in my house. I use to think that he was being stupid when he’d come home and yell because the house was “a mess”, or when we had friends over, or when my mom didn’t say hello to him or kiss him when he walked through the door. Within the past year I fell in love and I know for a fact that if I worked two jobs and was sleep deprived that the only thing that I looked forward to was coming home to Brittany and kissing her and spending my nights off with her, and I want to; I want to spend every night off with her. I want to come home to her after work and let any stress melt away as soon as my lips touch hers. My dad doesn’t get that; he sometimes doesn’t even get a “hi” from my mom. And it’s really sad. I always thought that when my parents fought, it was always my dad’s fault because he was ‘mean’ and ‘didn’t treat mom right’ but it’s sad to say that it’s the opposite. My mom can be very mean. I don’t want to say it, but she can be a bitch when she wants to.
You attach yourself to someone and want to give them everything and want to make them happy and will do anything to make that other person happy. My dad does that for us. I know that I’m wrong when I spend too much money, but I know that when I do I can run to daddy and he’ll fix it. I use to think that being spoiled was a good thing, but it’s not. And I’m the most spoiled person I know. The only thing my dads asks of me is to pay my car insurance on time, and 80% of the time I can’t. I never realized until this very moment that I am a horrible son. I don’t treat my parents with the amount of respect as I should (and they are partly to blame because I got away with everything as a kid), but I see it in my brothers as well. They get whatever they want and we don’t appreciate it as much as we should. My dad especially doesn’t get the recognition that he deserves.
Sigmund Freud was the one who said that all little boys are in love with their mothers, correct? Well he is right, to a point. I love my mom, but I don’t love her the way I love Brittany. I want to hug my mom and hang out with her but I want to kiss Brittany and have sex with her. It’s the same love, but different all the same. I do not want to be my dad, working all the time and then coming home to my mom who sometimes ignores him. I do not want to look forward to seeing Brittany after not seeing her all week and come home and not be acknowledged. I don’t want to bring her flowers and have her complain that I don’t care about her. I don’t want to sit alone, in the middle of the night and watch TV while my wife is upstairs, reading a book, wishing she was with Tobie Keith, but in a way I fell in love with my mom: I am a very emotional person and I get offended too easily. I can admit that. I over think little things, and take it personal when someone makes a joke about me. I don’t want to get hurt, no one does, but sometimes it happens and the other person doesn’t realize what they do. Fran, Ryan, Brittany and I are having this “contest” and I want to win (but I know I won’t), and I told Ryan tonight that “when I want something I but everything into it” and it’s 100% true. I put 100% of myself into everything/anyone I care about. If you tickle my fancy, you should be proud. I will treat you like gold (I don’t want to sound cocky). Right now Brittany is that gold (and I don’t want to ever let her go), and I put over 100% of myself into out relationship, and I know that I don’t have to because I already have her, and I know that she cares about me, but why then do I always feel like I’m never enough? Why can I do everything I possible can to show how much I love her but always feel like I don’t show it enough? How come I kick myself when I get mad at her (for things that I shouldn’t even be mad about) because I think it’s my fault? Why is it that I can never be 100% happy? Sure, when I’m alone with her I’m the happiest that I’ve ever been, but for some reason I can always turn something into something else and think about it until it poisons my mind and takes over, leaving me with nothing but doubt. Why can’t I just admit to myself that I don’t need to try anymore, that I have what I’ve been looking for and neither of us want to let it slip away. Why is it that I think about living with her and marrying her and having kids with her but some how secretly find myself in my dad’s shoes and fear that I’m not going to be loved as much as I should be, as much as I deserve to be? Maybe I’m just stupid.
The thing that got me the most while I was driving home was that I always tell myself I’m a good person and I deserve good things, but you know what? I’m a horrible person. I talk about people, sometimes my own friends behind their backs, I say that I’m all for the earth (but will be the first to throw plastic bottles in the garbage can), and I am a spoiled Pratt. What I hate about this is today, at work, the crazy bird girl came into the store and I told George, the new kid, that she’s crazy and weird. I made fun of her for his amusement and I didn’t feel bad about it. I helped her look for pokemon so I could get her out of my hair and talk about her more, and I ended up talking to her for a few minutes. She’s been a frequent customer for the past three years and every time she comes in we all talk about her. Today I found out that she’s an animal lover and a vegetarian (and as soon as I head that I thought then why are you fat?) and I still didn’t feel bad. What got me the worst was that she told me I seem like a really good person. It was this girl, who I’ve talked about behind her back for the past three years who told me the biggest lie that I’ve been telling myself and made me feel bad, for once, that I’ve been lying to myself. I am not a good person and maybe I deserve all the pain I feel and all the mixed thoughts, and the years of me being an awful son, and the doubt of being loved when really the truth is I’m Brittany loves me far too much then I deserve and I get mad at the times she doesn’t tell me she loves me, rather than appreciate the times that she does.

I'm not like them

But I can pretend

The sun is gone,But I have a light

the day is done,I'm having fun

I think I'm dumb

Or Maybe just happy

revenge is best served cold.

someone is going to die. the end.

Baby, I'm so into you.

This week has been nothing but perfect.
I’m going to give you a quick warning and going to tell you that the following blog is chock full of gay. ;)

So, anyway, this week has been perfect. Let me start with Thursday, when this all started:
Thursday: Thursday started like any other day, but I was in much anticipation for that night; Brittany’s whole family went away to South Carolina for nine or ten days, and I was told, by Mrs. Palma, to stay with her all week because she didn’t want her coming home to an empty house. Brittany and I planned on this anyway, but it was cool to have her mom’s approval. So Thursday I went to school, like I usually do, no wait- I didn’t have school Thursday; it was some Jewish holiday...and I didn’t have work either. That’s right! I slept til noon then hung out with Christina. I made her Halloween costume for her and we went to Joanne for some fabric. That was fun, but the entire day all I kept saying was "I can’t wait for tonight!". after Christina left I packed some stuff (that I didn’t pack the previous days) and waited impatiently for Brittany to get home. For the past two weeks I’ve been waiting for her outside her house. I bring my book with me and just sit in my car until she arrives. Thursday night, however, I was staying over. I only slept over her house once so it was all new to me to be staying over her house, rather than her sleeping at my place. Anyway, I got there, and she beat me home, which was a first. I did stop and got coffee, but I still should have bet her here. Whatever. That night all we really did was say hi, and then went to bed.

Friday: I woke up next to Brittany, which is always nice. There is something about waking up next to someone you love that makes you feel that nothing else in the world matters. We both work up at noon, so we rushed to get ready. Brittany usually leaves her house around 1:20, and I had work at 1:30. We got dressed, ate breakfast and left. I went to work, big deal, and then went to Melany’s house. Jenny crashed and I dyed her hair. She wanted to go darker, but somehow it came out lighter. It looks super awesome though :) So Mel, Jen, and I had a really good night. We played guitar hero, and watched Britney Spears’s new music video.
Brittany beat me home again that night. When I walked thru the door she was in the shower already, so I hung out in the living room and waited for her to finish. She ate then we went to sleep (there’s probably something in between that *wink wink*)

Saturday: I woke up at 9. I needed to go to work at 10. I got dressed, kissed Brittany (who was still in bed which made me feel bubbly inside) goodbye and went to work. Work dragged as usual. After work I ran back to my house. I showered quick and grabbed some stuff, then came back to the Palma house. Brittany was reading when I got home so I got my book out too. We were only supposed to read for twenty minutes then go out to eat (because I was starving) but we ended up reading for an hour and twenty minutes (and then doing other stuff for another hour and a half after that)
Brittany bought me Outback (because I’m always super poor...read the previous blog). At Outback, the newly showered Brittany and I got a blooming onion (yummy) and Alice spring chicken (double yummy). Brittany told me to only eat half of my meal so we have breakfast for the next day (I think she was really trying to tell me that I was a super fatty and I need to eat less). After Outback we ran to walbaums to get sorbet. We got home and watched the movie Clue and ate sorbet. I fell asleep halfway into the movie. After that we went to "bed"...

Sunday: once again I was super happy when I woke up. Even though her dogs wakes me up like nine times in the night to let them out I feel super rested and absolutely happy. I wonder why ^_- I didn’t have work which made both of us very happy...*giggle*For breakfast we had left over Alice Spring chicken, like Brittany said we would. She had some errands to do so we went to the cop shop (which was closed), my house to pick up...something, then we went to blockbuster for a vampire movie which we had no luck finding. After blockbuster we went to panera (yummmmy) wait! How can I forget the most important part??? she insisted on buying me gas then we went to the Halloween store by the mall and got FANGS!!!!! they’re awesome! They have this special mold stuff that you melt and mold to your back teeth so it’s like a retainer. It’s a perfect, customized fit.
That night we ate Panera and watched Prom night. After that we went to "bed"...

Monday: Yesterday I woke up and basically ran out the door. Once again we over slept so we didn’t have much us time. I did, however have a mini heart attack because I thought I lost a contact, but it ended up falling into Brittany’s mirror. I went to school then work. I closed with Linda so you know we didn’t really do anything. I read behind the counter half the night.
When I got back to the house I was alone so I took advantage of it; I cleaned :) it was awesome. The Palma’s now have a clean living/dining room and kitchen. I even went in the fridge and threw stuff out. I made Brittany and me home made veggie burgers, smiles, and mac&cheese for dinner. Then we cuddled a little on the couch and went straight to bed.

Today, Tuesday: I woke up at 10:00. I had life drawing at 11:15 so I needed to leave by 10:40. Did I? No. I went to put my contacts in but it took me foooorever to get them in. By the time I got done with them it was already 10:30. I was really hungry and needed to make breakfast and get dressed and stuff. I ended up skipping class and spent the morning in bed with my girlfriend. I made us pancakes and sausage (which she had no clue were in her freezer). I took the remote and channel surfed while we ate. Like any other mature couple we watched the Doodlebops on the disney channel. After the Doodlebops we watched Higmitown heros. We got bored with Disney and laid back down. Cuddling in bed with the disney channel on in the backgound made my mind explode. *WARNING WARNING!! GAY ALERT* in my head I pictured her and I laying in bed, just waking up, and a little kid, our kid, running in and turning the tv on and jumping in bed with us and the three of us watched the Doodlebops and ate pancakes in bed. I know I’m crazy but it really made me smile. I do not, I repeat: DO NOT want a baby right now, but I kind of...can’twaittohaveonewithBrittanyinthefuture.
I went to my Harry Potter class, took the O.W.L (midterm), then went to work. Tonight I worked with Dave, and we did pull downs in the fourth aisle then I read behind the counter again (I’m such a hard worker). After work I went back to my house and picked up a pumpkin pie that my mom made for Brittany and some other food then came back to Brittany’s house. Tonight I made an apple and cinnamon roll (which smells yummy) and in a few minutes I’m making ravioli for dinner. I really like doing this for her, I like living with her, and can’t wait to actually be doing it. Shut up! I’m gay, I know.

You drive me crazy

I just cant sleep Im so excited,

I'm in too deep Ohh...crazy,

but it feels alright Baby,

thinkin of you keeps me up all night

Is there nothing inside of me anymore?

Okay, so I’ve become a little obsessed with the Twilight series, kill me. I seriously want to be a vampire, like fo real real. Like any other fan girl I’ve been researching the series and fanart and stuff online. I just came across a website with pictures of the release party from Breaking Dawn, the fourth book in the series, and the pictures were creepy. There were millions of girls in wedding dresses, and yellow porches, and guys trying to look hot, and ‘Team Edward’ shirts, etc…I rolled my eyes and called them stupid. Then I realized ‘Hey, I’m one of them’: I dressed up for the release party for the last Harry Potter movie/book, and now I want to be a vampire. I’m no better than them. Sigh. Life has come to this.

In other stuff, I borrowed Wondershowzen from Brittany (well, technically Devon…thanks dev) and I watched the first disc with my brothers tonight. Hehehe. That show is awesome on so many levels.

Oooo it’s one in the morning. Must go to Brittany’s now. Yeah, we have the house to ourselves all week ;) be jealous. i want twizzlers.


I’m just looking for the easy way out
But I’m stuck in the clouds
And it’s pouring in here
Don’t say that I’m doubting them now
I’m just looking for ways for this not to go south
Ooooh, I’m nowhere near.

The best things in life are free.

I’m a jealous person, I can admit it, but I’d never thought I’d be jealous of my friends. Ever. I got paid today, a whopping $316. What did I do with that money? I gave $100 to my dad for my car insurance, $60 to my mom, because I owed it to her, and then I went to wal-mart. I bought hair dye ($6), hamster food ($5), bottled water, makeup for Halloween, and pencils. I then went to the book store and bought Melany a birthday present, leaving me with a total of $65 to last me two weeks. (I also filled up my gas tank).
I have off this weekend, and Brittany’s family is going away to visit Devon at school. I wanted to plan this really romantic weekend for the two of us (maybe a museum, or just dinner and a movie) but I can’t because I’m fucking broke. I’m always broke, even when I don’t buy myself things. I’m so sick of never having money. I’m sick of never being able to buy Brittany things, or take her out (I mean I do when I can, but I want to do it more often). Honestly, I’m mostly jealous of her. She’s a cop, and I know that she works her ass off , but I’m envious of her paychecks. What I made in two weeks, she made in overtime. That’s sick. I feel like a child. I feel like I go to KB (as a hang out spot) and then I get an allowance every two weeks. KB isn’t the most stressful place to work, but I work more than most of the other people there. I’m next to be an assistant manager, I guess you can call me the lead associate? I’ve been working there for three years, and I don’t even make $8 an hour. That’s retarded. Melany just got her old job back at the photo department in CVS, and she’s starting at $9, and in three months she gets a raise. Regardless, it was a pay cut for her compared to Hawkeye, but still, $9 an hour to start? I’m so jealous. I wish I was making that. I wish I was making $8 an hour.
I need to leave KB, I need to find a better job, where I will be working the same amount of hours, but double the pay. I’m sick of people I know who do nothing, and they have these jobs where they get $10, 11, 13 an hour and they don’t even work. I’m a hard worker. I do what I’m told, and I do it well. I would make an awesome manager, I know it.
I feel like I’m the youngest out of everyone; Brittany’s a cop, Jen works in two chiropractors offices, Fran’s in a god damn museum, Melany works in photo, and I’m in a toy store, every child’s dream. The worst part about it is I like spending money- I like nice things. I like to shop and not just buy myself things, but other people things. Fran took me, Jen, and Ryan out to dinner the other night. I felt horrible that she had to pay for me, yet again. We have this joke that she always buys me shit, but it’s true. I feel really bad when people buy me things. Even though I’m all “Aw, thanks guys! I‘m a bum” on the outside I’m destroying myself on the inside. I call myself names. I basically feel useless. I’m dead weight. I can’t stand always being dependent on other people.
Brittany and I have been talking about getting an apartment together when she gets out of the academy, and I really really want to love with her, but I refuse to bum an apartment off of her. We joked that I’ll do all the cooking and decorating, and she’ll take care of the finances because I can’t hold onto money, but you know what, it hurts to know that that’s true. I can have $5 in my pocket, and a week before payday, but I need to spend that $5 or I’ll go crazy. I hate borrowing money from my parents; I’ve gotten so many talks from my dad, that I ignore him now. I know he’s right, I should manage my money better, but I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have no self-control. I can’t do anything I tell myself I will do. Including weight problems: I started doing sit-ups each night. It lasted for a week, maybe. I planned that every night I would add five more, until I could do 200 a night, but I stopped at maybe 50 sit ups. I’m useless. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t be around, that my friends would be better off without me. It seems that all I’m good for is cutting hair. I really want to go out with everyone and when we get the check throw my card on the table and refuse to let anyone else pay. I feel like a bad friend, and even worse, a bad boyfriend. Jon would do anything for Jen, and Ryan to Fran, but I feel like I can’t do enough for Brittany. I’m always comparing myself to everyone else, and I know deep down I’m really self-conscious. I can play it off that I’m not very well, but I am. I need to admit it. I always feel so impairer compared to everyone else; I’m never smart enough, I’m never good looking enough, I’m not manly enough, thin enough, funny enough. I’m just there, wasted space.

Your lovin' give me such a thrill,
But your lovin' don't pay my bills;
Money don't get everything it's true,
What it don't get I can't use;

Danger, Danger, candy from a stranger .

I started the Twilight series, and they’re fucking amazing. I can’t even describe it. Christina was the first person I know to read them. I was all “oh cool, yeah, they sound interesting” then Melany got into them, the Mel got Jen into them, then I had to read them. If Jen says it’s good, it’s good. Within the first three chapters I was hooked. I felt the words going through my veins, making me want, need more. I forced myself to read it in three days. It would have been two, but I fell asleep one night. Fucking tiredness. -_- anyway, I looooove the series so much, so far. One thing though (caution! Spoiler)

[In book two, Edward breaks up with Belle]

After reading that one part, that one page, like four sentences, I wanted to cry. I felt Bella’s pain; I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and trampled over by a million fat women in tube tops. I sat in the backroom of KB toys, and sulked. I continued to sulk throughout the rest of the night until I started reading it again…

The only downfall of this book is one thing: it makes me miss my fucking girlfriend like woah! *snicker* every time Bella and Edward are together my heart bursts with giddy gayness and I want to grab Brittany and dance. I. Am. Such. A. girl. Seriously, I’m a full grown male, reading a teenage love story and instead of blowing it off to watch a football game, I’m cuddled under my sheets, with a Jesus mug of hot chocolate, giggling and squirming around, wishing I had a cuddle buddy.

I miss Brittany soo much, it’s not funny. Sunday was too long ago. Even though I see her Saturday, I want her now. Jen and I were walking in the hall after our Harry Potter class, and she got a text from Jon saying “I just wanted to tell you I love you” of something like that. Jen cooed, smiled and said “Best boyfriend award” with a giggle. I was silver and green with envy at her, because I can’t talk to Brittany throughout the day, I can’t just randomly text her with an “I love you” and have her respond. No, I can send it, and wait twelve hours for a response (if I get one) and they’re usually “ew, gay. You make me sick” or something like that. I really really just want one day and do absolutely nothing but stay in bed and cuddle. Sigh. Today is our ten month anniversary, and I was stuck at work, with Dave, doing truck, while she was at the academy, not allowed to use her phone, so she can’t see all the texts I’ve sent her, telling her that I miss her, and love her. What makes it even worse is it’s Fran and Ryan’s one month anniversary and I bet they’re cuddling right now, or out dancing, or walking the streets of Manhattan, or cow-tipping, or something fun.

Grr..the weekend should be five days long.

I’m going back to reading now.


You don't need to sugar coat it
I got it, and you know it
All of the pieces with it
Candy from strangers

I love it when you call me legs in the morning buy me eggs.

I just wasted an hour and a half of my time doing surveys on myspace. I’m redonk, I know but there was nothing else to do. Almost every single survey had “what would you eat right now” and I kept saying nothing, then what do I do? I make mashed potatoes. I’m such a butter beast ^_________^ BUTTER BEAST! I miss being called that. I was thinking about this today: this time last year I was in my first semester at college, and Brittany, Jen and I got really close. This time last year We started writing The Store at my house almost every night. This time last year we bought each other Starbucks every meeting, or we’d just go late at night to the 24 hour one and sit in the car and talk, or go stalking. This time last year we WENT STALKING!!! Yeah! This time last year Brittany was still working at KB and we tried on all the Halloween costumes one night when we were dead. We didn’t do anything when we worked with each other. This time last year we were hiring seasonals, getting ready for black Friday. This time last year I was throwing up on Fran’s rug because I drank too much. This time last year Fran and Jen made fun of Brittany and me and swore we liked each other. This time last year I kissed Brittany’s neck and told her she was mine. This time last year I only drew in charcoal. This time last year I was eighteen. This time last year I was a red head, I had ’hazel’ eyes, I was a seasonal manager.


It’s weird how fast time flies by. I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since Brittany and I started dating. Weird. This was kind of pointless, but whatever.

Hey there sugar baby
Saw you twice at the pop show
You taste just like glitter
Mixed with rock and roll.

Its human nature

I am losing my mind right now. I can’t sit still, I can’t eat. I am not a very happy boy. I keep pacing around my house trying to distract myself but it isn’t working. My head is going to explode.

Express yourself, dont repress yourself
Express yourself, dont repress yourself
Express yourself, dont repress yourself
Express yourself, dont repress yourself

Am I the only sour cherry in your fruit stand?

I’m having serious Brittany withdrawal! It’s literally killing me not seeing her and I haaaaate it! I’ve been checking my phone nonstop for the past two days waiting for a text message. Call me crazy, but I miss her like woah.

It’s raining out. Yay! Today at work Linda kept hinting that if we do get this huge storm that we’re supposed to get tomorrow I might get called out from work. I really hope this happens, but I really doubt it will. You know weather people, always predicting the wrong things. All weather people should have the last name Trelwaney, right?

What else is knew in my life? Nothing. Today I worked a 12-9:30 shift because Erin went home early because she didn’t feel well, so I came in 2 hours early.

Sigh. I would really really love for a 5’ blonde cop would text me right now and tell me she loves me. I really need to hear/read it. I hate being the girl in the relationship, why do I always over think everything?

Shout when you wanna get off the ride
'Cause you crossed my mind, you crossed my mind
Made my blood thump 7-8-9
Make my heart beat double time

Girl, you really got me now.

Ugh. What to write? I have like three blogs written out in a notebook but I don’t want to type them out. I think I’ll just ramble on about shit until my fingers are sick of typing (which will be soon). School started again. I really like this semester so far. My harry potter class is awesome!!! Besides it being a harry potter class, jenny is in it with me, which makes it even better. Someone who I can argue with and laugh about it with later. The first class was the sorting ritual. I was super excited about it because I was trying to slytherin my answers up a bit, so I can join Jen in the green and silver group. But I had to open my fucking mouth and be knowledgeable, and get stuck in Ravenclaw. The question I answered wasn’t even my question, it was a class question and I just happened to shoot my hand up and say the answer, like a typical Ravenclaw.

We had our first model in my life drawing class yesterday. Our model, Dennis, is an older, dirty, man with a midget arm for a penis, and a few missing teeth. The class was an hour and forty-five minutes of drawing Dennis. It was fun, and the time went by pretty quickly.

What else to write?? My fingers keep hitting the wrong keys, and adding new letters into the word, making my page fill up with those annoying red squiggly lines.

I’m trying to talk to Brittany right now, but it’s taking her forever to respond back to me because “nuttin” takes forever to do apparently. *eyes droop* I’m getting sleepy, it is about 3:20 in the morning. I should probably go to bed soon but I feel like there is more that I want to say. I think there are a bunch of things that want to burst out of my fingers and onto this page, but I can’t think of any right now. I’m sorry this was such a boring post. Forgive me father for I have sinned.

Basically what were gonna do is dance

It’s been a while sine I wrote a blog, and you know what? I don’t feel like writing one right now. So you all will have to wait. Muahahahahahah! Sucka.



Yeah, that’s right- it’s sneaker night.

A million ways to be cruel

Hmm…I’m going to try to write something less depressing than my last few blogs. Today I went to the park. It was really really nice to walk the track again. I could only do four laps though because global warming was making me sweat. I, being the insecure ass I am, wore two shirts to the track and was drenched in sweat by the time I was on my second lap. If I were to walk into a strip club, I would have won the wet t-shirt contest with no doubt. What else is new? Well, after the park I came home, showered, and fell asleep. While I was asleep I had an awful dream. I woke up ready to kill a bitch. Even though it was a bad dream, I was glad I had it. It made me really happy that I woke up so mad. I don’t know, it kind of made me feel more manly in a way…weird. Speaking of being manly, I was very unmanly tonight. Fran text me, waking me up from the dream, and she asked if I wanted to hang out. She came over, and we went to blockbuster. We rented 27 dresses. I’ve been wanting to see it, but I was going to wait for it to go on tv or order it online or something. I didn’t have much faith in it…but man was I wrong. I have no clue if Fran liked it, nor do I care, but I loved it. I am seriously the gayest straight man I know. I felt so bad for Jane (the main character), then I was so happy for her. I was starting to yell at the screen at some points. I squirmed in my seat out of happiness at one point. I laughed, didn’t cry, and I wanted to drive over to Brittany’s house and kiss her when the movie was over. I must own this movie now…hint hint. Anyone wanna surprise me with it? Heheh…I’m so gay. I guess that’s all. Peace.

I was thinking of places that I could hide.

There is an empty flower pot inside my chest, under the hair, under the skin, the muscle, bone, waiting to bloom, and no matter what I do it can’t. I can sometimes feel it start to bud, but nothing. It’s empty. No soil, no water, no sunlight. I need there to be flowers, bushes, weeds even (I like them). It is the saddest thing I have ever felt. I can’t even feel my heart beat anymore, it’s like there is nothing there. I think that if I were to cut my chest open I could have a party in the empty space. No blood, no organs, just a blank canvas of muscle and skin, waiting to be painted. My body is sick of staring at these white walls. I’m so empty that I can’t even draw properly. I left my sketch book in the backseat of my car for about a week, and I didn’t even care. I don’t want this feeling anymore.

I feel blank, empty, and incomplete. I don’t know why…well, I might but I don’t want that to be the reason. I feel…like I’m second best. In everything. I feel like I’m just there, whatever, it’s only Andrew, who cares about him? I feel myself getting hurt. I feel myself working, trying to get passed this, but I can’t. Every touch feels meaningless, every hug is empty. I feel myself getting dragged out to sea, to be lost, floating in water for the rest of my life. I don’t even care about school anymore. The bank that we used last year for my loan no longer does loans, so now we need to find another, and if we can’t I really don’t care. I don’t care if I go back. I want to just go away. I want to move away, far away, from everybody, and just lay in an all white room, in a big fluffy bed, under a white down comforter, with Brittany as dawn slowly hits us, and there’s nothing we can do but waste the day away. I can’t do that though, I only see her once a week, and it’s tearing me apart. I was so use to waking up, and hanging out, texting all day, thinking nothing of staying in and watching endless movies because tomorrow we can do the same exact thing. I feel so hollow, like a part of me was carved out. I don’t even think my body will let me cry anymore. I’m just there, just a person. I have Andrew characteristics, the same eyes, my nose still gets stuffy all the time, still have the same unattractive stomach hanging over my jeans, same hands, but there is no deeper layer, no core. There’s no batteries in my body to make me go. This pot is slowly chipping, and all I want is fucking sunlight.


I'll take you home if you don't leave me at the front door

What you know about being a hard-man? Your mum buys your bling.

Do you know what I love? I love driving down Woodside ave, behind a car and Ooo that car in front of me is turning down the same street I am. And then OOOOoo!! He’s turning down that street too, and the next one, and fuck, son, he’s turning down my block. I love that feeling where even though I’m not, but I feel like a stalker because the person in front of me is going in the same direction I am…and they kind of speed up because in my mind I think that they’re shitting themselves because they think I’m following them, going to follow them home, park my car across the street, and murder them when they get out of their car…muahahahahahaha! I’m funny. And tired. Shit, I’m tired, and I don’t know why. All I’ve been doing is sleeping. I got this rash and all I want to do is sleep, it’s sick. Today, all I did was sit around my house until 8 and did nothing.
Wanna know what else I love? Sam’s club. The other day I went there for the first time in like two years and I basically peed myself around each corner. Croissants? Boom! Pee. Meat? boom! Piss. Books? Boom! URIN! I was like daaaaaaaaaaaamn…hmm…I don’t know what I’m saying. Good night.

That whip don't make you a big man
That chain don't make you a big man
I know you think you're a big man
But really you're just a waste, man

Fuck me pumps

I love Amy Winehouse. She’s so, I don’t know…soulful. I’m all like “sing it sista” when she comes on my computer. Hmm…it’s been a while since I wrote in here, huh? Let’s see, what’s new with me??? Well, I cut my hair. I was bored one night and decided that I needed a trim so I went into my bathroom, wet my hair, and started cutting. I ended up trimming it, then cutting it again. I now have a much outgrown mohawkish haircut. Do I like it? I fucking love it. I’ve never liked me with short hair, but for some reason I like the way this came out. Why? Maybe because I did it? I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about going back and taking hair classes. Maybe I am “missing my calling”. I cut my moms bangs today and fixed the angles in the front of her face, and she loves them. The thing is I know I’m good at it, especially for being self taught, but I don’t know if I want that to be my carrier. Is that a real job? I guess it is, but it pays shit unless you’re like really, really fucking well at it and become famous. Can you imagine a line of women paying over $250 for a haircut by me? That would be awesome. I don’t know. I’m pretty much done with school. I mean, I like it and want to go back, but I want to just do it because I want to go, not because I need to, you know? Anyway…I want to move out of my house. I really want to be living in a studio apartment in the city right now. I want to wake up and look out my window and have an awesome view of the city, crowded, loud, and never really boring. Brittany and I had this discussion last night on how we would decorate our apartment or house. The funny thing is I never thought that we’d disagree on anything; I figured that it’d be a mishmash of both of us, but we had two very different opinions on how it should be furnished: she wants a Christmas tree that is exploded with an assortment of different ornaments collected over the years, colored lights, ext… me, I want white lights, white ornaments, very fancy. I bet she wants a star on the top of the tree too. I like angels (even though I’m not religious) so we decided that we’d have two smaller trees <( ^_^ )>. Also, I want everything matchy. I want all the same plates, maybe in different colors, I want a camel back couch, very modern Victorian furniture, and clean, beige walls. I have almost the exact taste as my mom when it comes to decorating. Weird. I don’t know, maybe it’ll change once I get my own place. I might be a complete slob, food everywhere, nothing matching, just whateverness splattered on the walls. I can tell you one thing though: I can’t wait to be able to use whatever, whenever, and not get yelled at. Today, while my mom was sleeping I made Brittany a stir fry (because I’m a fucking house wife, and will always be) and I really enjoyed doing it. I really like cooking for people, especially people I care about, I usually try extra hard. The other night I had a framing party, and it looked like I was having over twenty people over, that’s how much food I had. Sigh. I’m so cute.


You can’t sit down right
‘cause your jeans are too tight
And you’re lucky it’s ladies night

Do you have a first aid kit handy?

*don't hold any of this against me. please.

Honesty:

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve turned into this big emotional ball of mess… Today I had a fight with my mom. A really big one about something really stupid. All I ask for from my family is for them not to go in my room, but none of them listen. Today I had it. I came home from work and started yelling at my mom because her sunglasses were in my room. I know I shouldn’t feel bad about it, but I do. I feel like I’m a disappointment. Not just with my family though. Everywhere I go I feel like I’m the one everyone looks down on. At home I feel like I’m left out from everything. I feel like no matter what I say it isn’t important. I feel like no matter how hard I try no one accepts me. With friends I feel like I’m stupid. Sometimes I feel like I’m just the third, fourth, fifth wheel of the group. I feel like I say things that are just there for comical relief, just things that everyone can laugh at because that’s what I’m there for.

Let me get started:

The other night I went over to Fran’s house to celebrate my birthday. I was really looking forward to it. We did it for Fran’s birthday, and for Brittany’s birthday. It was my turn and I was really pumped for it. The entire day at work I kept talking about it. I was really excited because it was my day. One day where I am the center of attention, one day where everyone has to be nice to me. I know it’s really childish but I can’t help it. So we get to Fran’s house but Jen can’t drink yet because she had to pick up her brother from work. Understandable. So we waited for her to get back. For starters, I said something really stupid and really disrespectful which brought my mood down because I couldn’t believe I said it. I was really mad at myself. While Jen was gone Melany, Brittany and I played Sonic on the play station two. Melany went, and then died. Then I went. Of course Brittany was picking on me because that’s how she shows affection, and I know that, but that night I didn’t want it. I wanted to just be treated normally. On top of that, I haven’t played Sonic in over ten years so I was really rusty but I was having fun…that is until I was told that I sucked at the game. I yelled at Melany because she told me to do something, which I knew how to do but it wasn’t working for me. I yelled at her because I was mad that I was told I sucked. Jen got back, I was all sulky, and then she, melany, and Fran went to path mark. I was still sulky but didn’t want to show it. So far I was having a horrible night. All I wanted was to have a good time with my friends.

When they all got back Fran stayed upstairs because she didn’t want to drink. That got me a little pissed because I know she loves drinking, and we have fun when we drink. All of us have a really good time. I said I wanted to play Taboo. Taboo is one of my favorite games but every time I play is I ask myself why I like it. Like I said before I always feel like I’m the stupidest in the group, and Taboo reminds me that every time I play it. I get yelled at and called stupid for freezing up at some cards. No one wants to be my partner, because I always lose. I sometimes think that parties would be a lot more fun without me because it would be more of a challenge if I wasn’t playing. So anyway, I wanted to play taboo, but Jen didn’t want to because she was tired which I understand because she works a lot. By this time the more I sipped my drink, the more depressed I was getting. I went upstairs to “go to the bathroom” but I fucking cried. I cried goddamnit. I knew I shouldn’t have been mad, or sad, or anything, but I was. The alcohol made my emotions wild. There I was sitting on Fran’s toilet with tears running down my face.

I stayed in the bathroom until my cheeks weren’t so puffy, and my eyes weren’t so red and went back down stairs. By this time Jen went to bed, Brittany was laying on the floor, curled in a ball, falling asleep, Melany was watching Charmed on the TV, and Fran was upstairs, on the couch, eating chili dip, and watching TV. I felt so empty. What got to me the most was we didn’t even toast to my birthday.

Curiosity killed the cat, but insecurity is killing me:

I try really hard to be a good boyfriend but sometimes I find myself trying too hard, and I get annoyed with myself. Tonight, after I fought with my mom, Brittany and I went on a double date with my friend Christina and her boyfriend James. I was actually excited to go on the date because I haven’t met James and Christina wanted my approval (even though they’ve been going out for over a year and it didn’t matter what I thought). Anyway, before the date Brittany was acting weird, like she sometimes does because she knows it pisses me off. We go on the date. We met them at Applebee’s at 7:30, ate, and then went to Expressions. The date was over by 10:15. Brittany and I didn’t know what to do, but we didn’t want to go to my house because of the whole fight with my mom thing. I suggested we hang out with Fran because I knew she wanted to hang out with us tonight. Brittany agreed. We really needed to pee so I stopped at Stop & Shop so we can use the bathrooms. In there I noticed she was acting weird again, and me, being me started to get worried because I automatically thought that I did something wrong. We get back to the car and she didn’t speak to me. When I asked what was wrong she said nothing. I then bugged her for a few minutes until things were sort of right again. I leaned over to her and asked her a question. A question that I’ve asked her a few times before, but I fear is true. She then told me I’m really insecure, and you know what. She’s right. I never realized until tonight, just how insecure I am. I always think I’m wrong. I always blame myself when something happens. I always apologize for things that I didn’t even do. I don’t know why I do it. I try so hard to be perfect. I try so hard to be myself, but I think that no one likes me. I have this fear that I’m going to say something, do something wrong and Brittany’s going to break up with me. And I don’t know why. I know she wouldn’t, and it makes it sound like I think she’s a psycho who gets mad at me all the time and that isn’t the case at all. I’m afraid. It’s plane and simple. I’m afraid of getting hurt. I’ve seen heartbreak, and I don’t want it. I want to be perfect. I want to do everything right. I want to make her smile, and be the perfect boyfriend around her family, but I can’t. I’m afraid of not being liked. I always feel like I’m wrong. Sometimes I’ll text her and not get a text back because she was busy (or her phone broke -_- ) and I get so paranoid. I think I’m hated, forgotten, dumped. I need to be told I’m loved, I need to be told I’m special, but when I am I kind of feel like I’m being lied to. I can’t accept it. I think I’m being told it because I’m pitied. Each day I warm up to the idea of talking to a shrink more and more but I don’t want to. What I really want is to just talk to Brittany, but I can’t. I don’t think she wants to talk or listen to me. I think that my family life mixes into my relationships with others too much.

I’m gonna Rouge my knees…

Last night was another Palma party except this time instead of a few Palmas sitting in a back yard, sharing a bottle of wine; it was a few more Palmas, on a dance floor, drunk. Alyssa Palma turned 16 yesterday and I had the pleasure of crashing her birthday party. The day started with Brittany and me going shopping for clothes to wear to the sweet 16. I woke up around noon, took a shower, got dressed, and picked Brittany up. The first stop was Khols, but there was nothing there. Next was Mandee’s, but again nothing. I decided to take a trip to the mall since we were in ‘the same area’ and hopefully find something in there.

Brittany and I park, look in Macy’s, nothing. We then look in H&M, and the one dress Brittany did like was a little too casual for a sweet 16. By this time Brittany was getting mad, so I got a pretzel, a slushie, and told her we’re trying one more store. An hour and a half and a numb arm later, Brittany was in XXI trying on eight different dresses. The one dress we both really liked was a cream baby doll dress, that buttoned to the neck, had a little poof sleeve, and sat just above her knees. It was fucking adorable. The only problem was it was completely shear. Brittany called me over to the dressing room, opened her curtain and said

“Guess what color underwear I’m wearing”. I then got yelled at for being in the dressing room because no one with a penis is allowed in, which is stupid because what if I had something to try on? That wouldn’t be fair to not let me try something on because XXI doesn’t have a guy’s dressing room….

Anyway, it’s now 4:30 and I drop Brittany home. I get back to my house, get dressed and head back out the door. For all of you who don’t know, I bought a vest for this party two weeks ago. I gave myself a 15lb limit to lose. I, for some reason, could not do it. I decided not to wear the vest, but go with a black long sleeve hidden button shirt, black pin striped pants, black pointed toe shoes, and a hot pink tie. I looked fucking smashing.

I get to Brittany’s house around 6ish but her car is missing. I call her to see if she’s home, but she was sent out to buy a card for Alyssa…and with her luck the card store closed down, CVS was moving so they were closed, and poor Brittany was stuck getting a card at path mark, and I to sit awkwardly in her house while the rest of the family ran around and got dressed.

Brittany arrived back, with a card, threw her purse across the room, and got dressed. About ten minutes later so emerged from her room in a black cotton dress, curly red hair, and hot pink heels. The perfect match for my outfit. Together, Brittany and I could have stopped traffic, that’s how good we looked. Brittany’s mom ran around the house telling everyone to hurry up, then telling them to brush their teeth, and then telling them to hurry up again. Everyone’s about to leave and there’s Devon, standing in front of the mirror checking herself out.

“DEVON! COME ON”
“What? I’m checking myself out. If you got it, flaunt it”

There I was giggling in the background as the whole Palma clan got ready.

We got in the car, Mr. and Mrs. Palma in the front, Brittany and her extremely hot boyfriend in the middle, and Devon and Frankie in the back (we were on our way to pick up Danny). Britt’s dad put in a CD before backing out of the driveway, and the first some that comes on is ‘Break the ice” by Britney Spears. I died a little. I thought seeing her dad lying on the ground, spread eagle, crying with laughter was the funniest thing I saw him do, but I was wrong. Dead wrong. Not only was he spitting out all the lyrics I desperately wanted to sing, but he had some moves to go with them. I started tapping my foot, shaking my head, humming along and then got pinched because I wasn’t allowed to embarrass Brittany. She gave me a few rules to follow…most of which basically told me to pretend I was someone else, and I was to listen to them or else…

…well I did, to a point.

Once the music started I was out there shaking my salt shaker, slapping my booty, bringing sexy back, thrusting in my apple bottom jeans. I can’t help it; I was born with rhythm. Like Devon said, if you got it flaunt it. Speaking of which, Devon and I had a Krump off…it was fucking awesome. There I was shaking all over in front of Brittany’s family, who some I just met for the first time (including Aunt Dori (spelling?) who reminded me a lot of my aunt Jen, only a lot prettier, and apparently loved me). I love rules so much.

Slow dancing with Brittany was a lot of fun. I’ll admit, I am not the best slow dancer, but once I get a rhythm, I’m okay at it, like Taboo: I just need to screw up a little before I rock it. It felt right moving to the music, holding her as we sway back and forth…it would have felt better if Frankie wasn’t right next to us though. Britt and I were convinced, even though it was denied, that her dad sent Frankie to spy on us, and follow us the entire night. Everywhere we went BOOM! There was Frankie, apparating from the ceiling, jumping out from bushes, hiding inside my shirt…and when it wasn’t Frankie, it was Brittany’s dad cutting in while we were dancing, hugging us, grinding with Brittany’s mom five inches next to us…but hey, I’d do the same to my daughter…it’s a father thing.

I don’t think there is anything else to say about the party…except at one point Devon came out in a bright purple…I mean violet flapper dress and the entire Palma crew busted out laughing (because she was making fun of one of their aunts)…’twas fun.

The van ride back was extra super fun because it was thundering and lightening out, raining buckets of water and the Palma van doesn’t have windshield wipers that work. At one point Brittany leans over and goes:

“Our windshield wipers are broke” and I looked at her and said
“Really? I just thought your family liked to live a little dangerously”…which I’m sure they do. Driving without wipers is the new ‘Loser’; the first person to crash is the loser. Oh Palmas.

Also, on the ride back, Devon, Danny, Mrs. P, and I sucked in helium from the 50million balloons that Devon took. That was fun.

The rest of the night was just saying goodbye in the rain, and driving home, listened to harry potter, text Brittany, and went to bed…

June 14th, 2008, I made my decision: I love the Palma family.