Sunday, May 31, 2009

up up and away.

So, have I mentioned that I love my job? Okay, maybe not the job, but I love the people. Friday night was Corey’s birthday bash and I had a fucking blast. I can’t just pick a favorite moment. All night I drank coronas and did some jello shots and danced my ass off. It was so fun. For his present, I drew him a picture of everyone from our job and he cried when he opened it. Cried. It was one of the funniest/sweetest moments I’ve ever seen. Myself along with Nicole, Melissa, Thomas, Danielle, Andrew sideburns and Kenny(?) left the party after 2:30. Thomas and I had work at 8:00 so we were tres tres sluggish the entire day, and Nicole showed up late and everyone was just bleh. last night we all went to Melissa’s house, and again we drank and played music and talked about shit. I really didn’t think I’d like everyone as much as I do. Creepy ^_^

Today was Brandon’s communion and my mom made me go to the church. Ugh. I really thought I was going to burn the second I stepped on the grounds. I haven’t been in that church in like 4 years and being in it today reminded me why; because everyone is…churchy. It was so scary. I hate religion. Ugh.

After church we went to friendlys (yum) and then I was off to work. After work tonight I went to see UP with Jenny and Franny cakes. The movie was a fucking roller coaster for your emotions. I was crying one minute then peeing my self the next. Cray-zee fo sure, fo sure.

Thursday, May 28, 2009


So, I haven’t written a blog in like, forever and then Jen wrote a bunch of blogs since I last posted a blog so now I’m here, writing a blog…well actually combining a few blogs I never posted so here ya go suckas:

I am officially working twice as many hours as I was told I would be when I first started. I’m not complaining. I really like it there and it doesn’t feel like I’m working that many hours. It is kind of a H&M tradition that on your break you watch Will and Grace, and prior working there I only have seen a few episodes with Christina and now I’m hooked. Fo real. I went out and rented a few seasons and now I’m borrowing them from Christina and I must say that Will and Grace is one of the funniest shows I’ve ever seen. It’s not addicting like Ugly Betty or Gossip Girl, but it is hysterical. Fucking hysterical.

In other news Did any of you watch this past episode of Ugly Betty? WHAT A FUCKING CLIFF HANGER!!!! I seriously screamed at the screen when the credits went on. Holy fuck. That show has so many things going on at once, it’s crazy

Note to self: never have a personality

I love this:

Isn’t the point of ok cupid is to be yourself and find someone? Well…after messaging someone you, I love the page that pops up:

Mail Tip: edit your profile so (insert persons name here) is more likely to reply

another thing:

I don’t understand those pictures of really cute baby animals with the improper English written all over them. For example:

An owl with his eyes bugged “Fo reelz”?
A kitten with his paws up: “I shake my booty for cheezburger”

*insert questioned face here*

Yesterday I finally, FINALLY painted my room. I’ve been wanting to paint my room for like ever and yesterday out of nowhere I decided to paint my room and like a good friend she is, Jenny helped me paint it ^_^ my room is now white on three walls and an awesome awesome shade of teal on another.

What else is new? Hmm..I worked all weekend which is good because since it was a holiday I will be getting holiday pay on top of my pretty big paychecks which naturally means I will be broke as soon or before I get paid next week.

Well, I guess that’s it. Peace out cub scouts.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Reach out.

Oh my god. So I was reading old posts (like reeeaaalll old posts) on here, and I have come to the conclusion that I am fucking hysterical. All my sassy comebacks and quick wit really had me going. What happened? When I reread my blogs from the past few months I don’t find myself wetting myself as much. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m still side splitting funny, but I don’t see that jazz, that umph, that rah rah rah, that booga booga (what’s booga booga? I don’t know but when I say it you’re going to fucking do it)…what’s that from? Huh? Huh? Suck it.

I love H&M. I absolutely love working there. I think I might love it even more than KB. There is always something to do, and the people are awesome, we play really good music, and the people are just fun. Today was my second day on register. My first day I think I fucked up fo real real, but today was nothing but smooth sailing. I was basically on register all night when I was only scheduled on for two hours. It was tres tres fun though. I was all “I can take the following guest over here *raises hand*” their register is a little different from Kbs, but it’s actually really east to use. I thought that since it is a much nicer store than KB was the registers would be all cool and touch screen and shit like that, but nope. They regular registers.

Do you see what I mean? this isn’t very funny, huh? Sigh. One day I will regain my funny. Once, about two years ago I lost my funny and it didn’t come back for a while. When it did Fran knighted me King Funny again. It was one of my proudest moments and now it’s slipping away. Fuck my life.

Tomorrow (well tonight) I’m going out dancing *shakes hips* with people from work. I can’t wait. I asked Nicole today if she was going and she was all “duh. I love dancing” and then I was all “this better not be a trick. Like a ‘let’s prank the new kid’ and leave me there alone because I will just stay there and dance by myself” and then we laughed and rang up customers.

Another thing I love about my job (besides the pay) is not wearing a uniform. I love waking up in the morning (or late afternoon) and picking out what I’m going to wear. The only thing is that I have never been more self conscious in my life than I am at work. Every guy is thin there, and I mean thin, and almost every girl is thin and I want to be like that. I’ve been changing my eating habits to lose weight while I work there. On days where I work long shits I only eat once a day, or once a day with a snack or something when I get home. Today I was running off of: an iced coffee, an energy drink, two salads, and four hours of sleep. Why so little sleep you may ask…well, I was up til about five yesterday morning playing online scrabble. I know. I was so hyper at work today though. I was singing and dancing to every song, and I was a beast on register and I was so cheerful (until break were I sat down and wanted to sleep) but I got a second wind later in the night and now it’s 2:37 in the morning and I need to be at work in 5 hours. I know. I know. Looks like I’m going to be running off another few hours of sleep and major coffee and energy drinks. And tomorrow I’m going to be shaking my blubber all over the club (because obviously I want to go into a coma when I get home).

Oh! I remembered something: I wrote a blog almost two years ago about how my car is like me, and how fran’s car is like her, and whatnot. I wasn’t super close with Jen then, and I wasn’t in her car enough but now that we’re basically attached at the hip (ya know, those days when we’re not working or she’s not with Jon…so like once a week) I can finally honestly say that Jen is like her car. Let me explain:

Jen is super crazy smart and awesome and blonde (in a good way), and her car is super crazy awesome and blonde (seriously. That’s the color). It’s an older model, but still cute (and I don’t mean you’re old jen…even though you are 22 *wink*), and by looking at it you kind of think it’s an average, simple car, but open the door and it’s crazy. Open the trunk and you can find Narnia. This is basically how Jen is: you look at her and you think a pretty girl. She probably works and goes to school or something like that, and her life is probably simple (I’m not sure what that means actually), but wait…open her mind (trunk) and holy shit there is stuff piled on top of each other. You can find laundry detergent, papers, books, cans of string beans, more books, different dimensions, black holes, etc. Jens mind is constantly going and it is always idea after idea after novel after idea.

There ya go, Jen. I analyzed you and your car now I’m going to try to get at least three hours of sleep. Peace out.

Friday, May 8, 2009


For my Birthday (which is soon btw), i want one of these two:

Taylor Swift

Allison Harvard
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Allison Harvard from America's Next top Model.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Forty-third street.

“Waiter, can we have another round, please” Fran said, making a small circle over the three of our heads.
“on it’s way, miss”

“I‘m not even finished with this round” I chuckled, draining the last of my glass. “so, Jen, where’s Jon”?
“Home. I told him we were hanging out tonight” she answered.
“He could have came” Fran said.
“Yeah, it’s not like we don’t know him or anything. God, Jen you’ve only been with him for what, thirteen years. I think I might remember what he looks like. Tall, dark skin, and long, black hair, right”? I teased.
“eh…he’s thinning, but close” Jen laughed going through her oversized black leather Dior bag. “ I told him he was invited but he said he’s stay home with the kids. Uh…he’s such a good husband…where is it…ah ha finally” Jen took out, from the black hole that is the inside of her bag a Smuckers strawberry smoothie lip balm and applied it to her mouth. She laughed at mine and Frans looks. “what? It’s the best. I bought a pack of three for Lily but she accidentally lost one in my makeup bag“ she said making quotation marks around the word accidentally. The three of us laughed.

“ is the next book you write going to be about a mother bunny who stole her daughters grape flavored chap stick”? Fran teased. Jen smiled. “No…bunnies like carrot flavored chap stick. Duh. Besides, I don‘t want my first children‘s book being about a bunny stealing. That‘s something you write after you‘re successful“.
“Oh, I wasn’t aware that three books on Oprah’s list, a bunch of TV interviews, and an upcoming children’s book line wasn’t successful” I teased. “who knew”?

The waiter arrived at our table and handed each of us a new glass: Fran a class of red wine, Jen an apple martini, and me a Jack and coke.
“when did you start drinking real liquor”? Fran asked taking a sip of her wine
“When did you stop”? I asked.
“I’m a lady” Fran replied “I don’t drink such stuff” batting her eyelashes and taking another sip.
“So the whiskey is in the car” Jen chimed in
“was until about an hour ago” Fran laughed.

I took a sip of my drink. It was cold. Hard tasting, with a bit of a fizz. I remember when I hated this stuff. I spent my first five drinking years drinking nothing but Smirnoff’s, and wine coolers. It wasn’t until the stress of working 60 plus hours a week, living off of Chinese food, falling asleep in my office just to put together a new episode of the show did I start drinking like a real man. Ha I thought, you a real man.

I let out a giggle.
“What”? Jen asked.
“Nothing” I smiled. “Just, remember that time you were drunk for like forty-right hours straight”?
“in my parents basement” Fran added “do it, Andrew, do it” she laughed in between drinking wine and patting at me rapidly. I laughed, cleared my throat and got into character

“I looooooove Jon” I said throwing my head back in a drunkenly way “he fucks me good”. there was a chorus of laughter at the table which brought attention to us by other people at the restaurant.
“wait wait wait wait” I breathed. My side hurt from laughing “Andrew…what time is it”? I said. Jen snorted. “It’s noon, Jen” after a minute or so of silent giggles I said “you’re the best” and threw my hand to my side as if I were Jen drunk trying to pat me on my shoulder ten years ago.

“Oh my god” Fran laughed a deep, emphysema like laugh, wiping her eyes with her thumb “I haven’t heard that in such a long time”
“I haven’t heard that laugh in such a long time” I cried. “Andrew, turn up the oxygen” Fran and I busted into laughter again.

We finished our drinks and ordered another round. I could feel the alcohol starting to seep into my body. I knew if I stood up too quickly it would all rush to my legs and they would feel weak. So I decided to stay sitting and keep drinking. I remembered those days, ten years ago when we all sat in Frans basement and drank. Some more than others. Fran, Melany, and Jen having to deal with Brittany and I. I smiled. I haven’t talked to that girl in years. I wonder how she’s doing. Then Melany moved out or Frans house. Moved to North Carolina to live with her boyfriend Paul. Paul. I hated him the first day I met him. Obnoxious and loud. Then they got married and he went back to Iraq for almost a year.

“Do you remember Melany’s wedding party thing we went to”? I asked.
“Yeah” Fran said. “How could we not”? I let out a small chuckle. Melany’s wedding party. Oh Melany. I honestly didn’t think they would last. They rushed it. Marrying at 19. I remember the day she told me; that day, on her wedding day she called me and left me a voice mail while I was at work. I was working at H&M at the time. I called her back on my break and found out that she was getting married that day. I was shocked. Then there was the big wedding party thing they had a year later, once Paul was back from Iraq, again. We all drank. We were all having fun, when the fight happened. Oh god. One of Melany’s friends from north Carolina’s dates knew another person’s date, and not in a good “hey, how ya doin”? kind of way. In a “Hey, why the fuck are you here? I told you to never speak to me again” kind of way. It turns out that someone slept with someone else’s boyfriend and then someone told someone else, and then there was this huge fight. Even though there was super crazy drama, and that fight, we still managed to have a good night. I thought that that was a sign that this marriage wasn’t going to last. Silly me. Yeah, there were some issues between Melany and Paul, but after his accident, everything surprisingly got much better.
“I wonder how they’re doing”? Jen asked.
“They’re good” Fran said. “Justin got really big last time I saw him, and Diana is gorgeous”
“Yeah, last time I went to visit them she was learning how to walk. Regardless that was like two years ago, but whatever” I said.

“aw, I remember when Adam first learned how to walk.“ Jen said. “Poor guy was blessed with his mothers ability to be accident prone. Fell right into the coffee table. He had his first step and first set of stitches that night”
“Thank god he has his fathers good looks” I joked. Jen pouted. “Aww, I’m only kidding”
“Jon is perfect, and I’m adorable, so naturally our kids would be gorgeous” Jen said, stirring her martini with the toothpick it was served with
“Baby” Fran mocked. “Baby is perfect. Baby has pretty eyes. Me and baby make cute babies”
“we do” Jen said.

“God, I love shopping for your kids” I said, my eyes glowing with happiness. “Lily looks adorable in that Betsy dress”
“I know, and Jack loves that vest you got him. I don’t know why, but my kids love getting clothes from you. When I buy them new clothes they throw fits” Jen shrugged.
“that’s because I got style” I joked, snapping a Z motion with my hand.

I stumbled a little in my seat. I was definitely feeling the booze now. We all were. Now that I looked, I could tell that Jen was bright red in the face, and giggly, Fran was…Fran. She was probably drunk before noon, and I was ready for bed all of a sudden. Luckily my apartment was only a few blocks away, so I could just take a taxi.
“I just got so tired” I said looking at my watch. “It’s half past…I could never read these non digital watches” I said.
“Then why do you have one”? giggled Jen
“Because It looks good” I laughed grabbing Frans wrist and checking her watch “It’s half past one”
Fran rolled her eyes. “The dogs are probably busting at the seams” she said. “Last time I was out this late Arthur peed all over my bed. I bet on purpose, to teach me a lesson”
“What”? I asked “not to go drinking without them”?

We laughed. I waved over the waiter and asked for the check.
“I got it” said Fran and Jen together.
“No” I said sternly. “I got it. I think I’m pretty sure I still owe you two money from back when I was eighteen. Now that I am never negative in my account I can buy you ladies fancy things”
“Baby” Fran joked. Jen hit her arm.

I paid the waiter and the three of us walked out of the restaurant and onto forty third street. The lights hit my eyes and started to make my head hurt. The three of us each hailed a taxi.

“Have a good night guys” Jen said giving Fran and I a hug. “I’ll see you guys later”
“Night Jenny” Fran said squeezing her back. “Get home safe. Say hi to Jon and the kids for me”
“Yeah, me too” I said closing the cab door after she stepped in. “cute shoes by the way”
Jen rolled down the window. “Thanks. Prada. Got them at a sample sale on thirty second last week” she said before telling the cab driver to take her to Penn.

“Night, Fran” I said holding out my hand for a handshake
“Who are you”? she asked? “I don’t talk to strangers”
“Oh, I’m Joe. Nice to meet you” I said in a British Accent
“Oh hi” Fran said in a Minnesotan accent. “Nice to meet you, Joe. I’m Bernadette, I just moved here, ya know” extending her hand for the handshake. We shook hands.
“Okay, night Fran” I said, and hugged her before getting into my cab and telling him my cross streets.
“Night” Fran said, and I watched to make sure she got into her cab safe Like anyone would want to take her I thought and smiled to myself.

“Say hi to Ryan for me” I yelled out the window before my cab passed hers. She waved and the yellow taxi pulled away from the street.

Monday, May 4, 2009


Dear ok cupid members,

It has come to my attention while browsing through many of your profiles, that many of you have answered that one of the “six things you can never do without” is love. This is ridiculous. Will you die if you don’t have love? No. infact, since you are on this site, searching for love, that means that you are still alive, correct? Unless you are on your death bed, living off life support with tube up your nose, please shut the fuck up about not being able to do without love. Suck it.

Thank you
Yours truly,



I posted this on ok cupid, and got responces:

1) Actually, you're ridiculous. Do you just want everyone to put "water, food, oxygen, shelter, etc" as his or her six things you can't do without? What a boring site this would be. You're probably one of those who thinks that putting those into that section is "clever". Also, you do need love. Without the care and affection of other human beings, one does not develop fully. The point of the section is to see more about someone's personality, not what the person needs for his or her bodily functions.

2)All such lists must begin with "subatomic particles" and end with "the universe".

3)Are you telling me that you have no love in your life whatsoever, and are here looking for it? Because if so, bummer, and also scary. Living without a romantic relationship is one thing; living without love is quite another.

4)Please shut up about telling other people what they need.
Doing without isn't the same as surviving without, BTW.

so i responded:

wooah, take it easy. I posted this for a few reason: 1) to see if there was anyone who agreed with me; 90% of the people on here are on here to find love, simple. i was only saying that it there are a few other places on your profile that make it pretty obvious what you're here for, you do not have to write that you can't be without love (and i meant it relationship wise, for your information) 2) as a pure joke. noone can take this site seriously; isn't this a online 'dating' site? i'm sorry, but when i'm serious about looking for a relationship i don't go and play "bang or pass" or "what kind of pubic hair does the person above you have". I joined this site for a laugh. everything i say should be taken with a grain of salt. I find it funny that you are arguing with me and asking me if I don't have love in my life; of course I do, silly face. I wanted read a bunch of people's pages, and thought it would be funny to post this; there was no seriousness behind it. God, lighten up. 3) I wanted to see how many people actually read my profile, instead of just looking at my gorgeous face. 4) i love starting arguments. *diabolical bunny paws/ evil laugh)

then got back:

oh please. you and I both know that this post was a failed attempt at being cool.

to which i posted:

I don't have to try to be cool; it comes naturally *buffs nails*