Last night was another Palma party except this time instead of a few Palmas sitting in a back yard, sharing a bottle of wine; it was a few more Palmas, on a dance floor, drunk. Alyssa Palma turned 16 yesterday and I had the pleasure of crashing her birthday party. The day started with Brittany and me going shopping for clothes to wear to the sweet 16. I woke up around noon, took a shower, got dressed, and picked Brittany up. The first stop was Khols, but there was nothing there. Next was Mandee’s, but again nothing. I decided to take a trip to the mall since we were in ‘the same area’ and hopefully find something in there.
Brittany and I park, look in Macy’s, nothing. We then look in H&M, and the one dress Brittany did like was a little too casual for a sweet 16. By this time Brittany was getting mad, so I got a pretzel, a slushie, and told her we’re trying one more store. An hour and a half and a numb arm later, Brittany was in XXI trying on eight different dresses. The one dress we both really liked was a cream baby doll dress, that buttoned to the neck, had a little poof sleeve, and sat just above her knees. It was fucking adorable. The only problem was it was completely shear. Brittany called me over to the dressing room, opened her curtain and said
“Guess what color underwear I’m wearing”. I then got yelled at for being in the dressing room because no one with a penis is allowed in, which is stupid because what if I had something to try on? That wouldn’t be fair to not let me try something on because XXI doesn’t have a guy’s dressing room….
Anyway, it’s now 4:30 and I drop Brittany home. I get back to my house, get dressed and head back out the door. For all of you who don’t know, I bought a vest for this party two weeks ago. I gave myself a 15lb limit to lose. I, for some reason, could not do it. I decided not to wear the vest, but go with a black long sleeve hidden button shirt, black pin striped pants, black pointed toe shoes, and a hot pink tie. I looked fucking smashing.
I get to Brittany’s house around 6ish but her car is missing. I call her to see if she’s home, but she was sent out to buy a card for Alyssa…and with her luck the card store closed down, CVS was moving so they were closed, and poor Brittany was stuck getting a card at path mark, and I to sit awkwardly in her house while the rest of the family ran around and got dressed.
Brittany arrived back, with a card, threw her purse across the room, and got dressed. About ten minutes later so emerged from her room in a black cotton dress, curly red hair, and hot pink heels. The perfect match for my outfit. Together, Brittany and I could have stopped traffic, that’s how good we looked. Brittany’s mom ran around the house telling everyone to hurry up, then telling them to brush their teeth, and then telling them to hurry up again. Everyone’s about to leave and there’s Devon, standing in front of the mirror checking herself out.
“DEVON! COME ON”
“What? I’m checking myself out. If you got it, flaunt it”
There I was giggling in the background as the whole Palma clan got ready.
We got in the car, Mr. and Mrs. Palma in the front, Brittany and her extremely hot boyfriend in the middle, and Devon and Frankie in the back (we were on our way to pick up Danny). Britt’s dad put in a CD before backing out of the driveway, and the first some that comes on is ‘Break the ice” by Britney Spears. I died a little. I thought seeing her dad lying on the ground, spread eagle, crying with laughter was the funniest thing I saw him do, but I was wrong. Dead wrong. Not only was he spitting out all the lyrics I desperately wanted to sing, but he had some moves to go with them. I started tapping my foot, shaking my head, humming along and then got pinched because I wasn’t allowed to embarrass Brittany. She gave me a few rules to follow…most of which basically told me to pretend I was someone else, and I was to listen to them or else…
…well I did, to a point.
Once the music started I was out there shaking my salt shaker, slapping my booty, bringing sexy back, thrusting in my apple bottom jeans. I can’t help it; I was born with rhythm. Like Devon said, if you got it flaunt it. Speaking of which, Devon and I had a Krump off…it was fucking awesome. There I was shaking all over in front of Brittany’s family, who some I just met for the first time (including Aunt Dori (spelling?) who reminded me a lot of my aunt Jen, only a lot prettier, and apparently loved me). I love rules so much.
Slow dancing with Brittany was a lot of fun. I’ll admit, I am not the best slow dancer, but once I get a rhythm, I’m okay at it, like Taboo: I just need to screw up a little before I rock it. It felt right moving to the music, holding her as we sway back and forth…it would have felt better if Frankie wasn’t right next to us though. Britt and I were convinced, even though it was denied, that her dad sent Frankie to spy on us, and follow us the entire night. Everywhere we went BOOM! There was Frankie, apparating from the ceiling, jumping out from bushes, hiding inside my shirt…and when it wasn’t Frankie, it was Brittany’s dad cutting in while we were dancing, hugging us, grinding with Brittany’s mom five inches next to us…but hey, I’d do the same to my daughter…it’s a father thing.
I don’t think there is anything else to say about the party…except at one point Devon came out in a bright purple…I mean violet flapper dress and the entire Palma crew busted out laughing (because she was making fun of one of their aunts)…’twas fun.
The van ride back was extra super fun because it was thundering and lightening out, raining buckets of water and the Palma van doesn’t have windshield wipers that work. At one point Brittany leans over and goes:
“Our windshield wipers are broke” and I looked at her and said
“Really? I just thought your family liked to live a little dangerously”…which I’m sure they do. Driving without wipers is the new ‘Loser’; the first person to crash is the loser. Oh Palmas.
Also, on the ride back, Devon, Danny, Mrs. P, and I sucked in helium from the 50million balloons that Devon took. That was fun.
The rest of the night was just saying goodbye in the rain, and driving home, listened to harry potter, text Brittany, and went to bed…
June 14th, 2008, I made my decision: I love the Palma family.