Sunday, June 29, 2008

Do you have a first aid kit handy?

*don't hold any of this against me. please.


I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve turned into this big emotional ball of mess… Today I had a fight with my mom. A really big one about something really stupid. All I ask for from my family is for them not to go in my room, but none of them listen. Today I had it. I came home from work and started yelling at my mom because her sunglasses were in my room. I know I shouldn’t feel bad about it, but I do. I feel like I’m a disappointment. Not just with my family though. Everywhere I go I feel like I’m the one everyone looks down on. At home I feel like I’m left out from everything. I feel like no matter what I say it isn’t important. I feel like no matter how hard I try no one accepts me. With friends I feel like I’m stupid. Sometimes I feel like I’m just the third, fourth, fifth wheel of the group. I feel like I say things that are just there for comical relief, just things that everyone can laugh at because that’s what I’m there for.

Let me get started:

The other night I went over to Fran’s house to celebrate my birthday. I was really looking forward to it. We did it for Fran’s birthday, and for Brittany’s birthday. It was my turn and I was really pumped for it. The entire day at work I kept talking about it. I was really excited because it was my day. One day where I am the center of attention, one day where everyone has to be nice to me. I know it’s really childish but I can’t help it. So we get to Fran’s house but Jen can’t drink yet because she had to pick up her brother from work. Understandable. So we waited for her to get back. For starters, I said something really stupid and really disrespectful which brought my mood down because I couldn’t believe I said it. I was really mad at myself. While Jen was gone Melany, Brittany and I played Sonic on the play station two. Melany went, and then died. Then I went. Of course Brittany was picking on me because that’s how she shows affection, and I know that, but that night I didn’t want it. I wanted to just be treated normally. On top of that, I haven’t played Sonic in over ten years so I was really rusty but I was having fun…that is until I was told that I sucked at the game. I yelled at Melany because she told me to do something, which I knew how to do but it wasn’t working for me. I yelled at her because I was mad that I was told I sucked. Jen got back, I was all sulky, and then she, melany, and Fran went to path mark. I was still sulky but didn’t want to show it. So far I was having a horrible night. All I wanted was to have a good time with my friends.

When they all got back Fran stayed upstairs because she didn’t want to drink. That got me a little pissed because I know she loves drinking, and we have fun when we drink. All of us have a really good time. I said I wanted to play Taboo. Taboo is one of my favorite games but every time I play is I ask myself why I like it. Like I said before I always feel like I’m the stupidest in the group, and Taboo reminds me that every time I play it. I get yelled at and called stupid for freezing up at some cards. No one wants to be my partner, because I always lose. I sometimes think that parties would be a lot more fun without me because it would be more of a challenge if I wasn’t playing. So anyway, I wanted to play taboo, but Jen didn’t want to because she was tired which I understand because she works a lot. By this time the more I sipped my drink, the more depressed I was getting. I went upstairs to “go to the bathroom” but I fucking cried. I cried goddamnit. I knew I shouldn’t have been mad, or sad, or anything, but I was. The alcohol made my emotions wild. There I was sitting on Fran’s toilet with tears running down my face.

I stayed in the bathroom until my cheeks weren’t so puffy, and my eyes weren’t so red and went back down stairs. By this time Jen went to bed, Brittany was laying on the floor, curled in a ball, falling asleep, Melany was watching Charmed on the TV, and Fran was upstairs, on the couch, eating chili dip, and watching TV. I felt so empty. What got to me the most was we didn’t even toast to my birthday.

Curiosity killed the cat, but insecurity is killing me:

I try really hard to be a good boyfriend but sometimes I find myself trying too hard, and I get annoyed with myself. Tonight, after I fought with my mom, Brittany and I went on a double date with my friend Christina and her boyfriend James. I was actually excited to go on the date because I haven’t met James and Christina wanted my approval (even though they’ve been going out for over a year and it didn’t matter what I thought). Anyway, before the date Brittany was acting weird, like she sometimes does because she knows it pisses me off. We go on the date. We met them at Applebee’s at 7:30, ate, and then went to Expressions. The date was over by 10:15. Brittany and I didn’t know what to do, but we didn’t want to go to my house because of the whole fight with my mom thing. I suggested we hang out with Fran because I knew she wanted to hang out with us tonight. Brittany agreed. We really needed to pee so I stopped at Stop & Shop so we can use the bathrooms. In there I noticed she was acting weird again, and me, being me started to get worried because I automatically thought that I did something wrong. We get back to the car and she didn’t speak to me. When I asked what was wrong she said nothing. I then bugged her for a few minutes until things were sort of right again. I leaned over to her and asked her a question. A question that I’ve asked her a few times before, but I fear is true. She then told me I’m really insecure, and you know what. She’s right. I never realized until tonight, just how insecure I am. I always think I’m wrong. I always blame myself when something happens. I always apologize for things that I didn’t even do. I don’t know why I do it. I try so hard to be perfect. I try so hard to be myself, but I think that no one likes me. I have this fear that I’m going to say something, do something wrong and Brittany’s going to break up with me. And I don’t know why. I know she wouldn’t, and it makes it sound like I think she’s a psycho who gets mad at me all the time and that isn’t the case at all. I’m afraid. It’s plane and simple. I’m afraid of getting hurt. I’ve seen heartbreak, and I don’t want it. I want to be perfect. I want to do everything right. I want to make her smile, and be the perfect boyfriend around her family, but I can’t. I’m afraid of not being liked. I always feel like I’m wrong. Sometimes I’ll text her and not get a text back because she was busy (or her phone broke -_- ) and I get so paranoid. I think I’m hated, forgotten, dumped. I need to be told I’m loved, I need to be told I’m special, but when I am I kind of feel like I’m being lied to. I can’t accept it. I think I’m being told it because I’m pitied. Each day I warm up to the idea of talking to a shrink more and more but I don’t want to. What I really want is to just talk to Brittany, but I can’t. I don’t think she wants to talk or listen to me. I think that my family life mixes into my relationships with others too much.

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