I’m a jealous person, I can admit it, but I’d never thought I’d be jealous of my friends. Ever. I got paid today, a whopping $316. What did I do with that money? I gave $100 to my dad for my car insurance, $60 to my mom, because I owed it to her, and then I went to wal-mart. I bought hair dye ($6), hamster food ($5), bottled water, makeup for Halloween, and pencils. I then went to the book store and bought Melany a birthday present, leaving me with a total of $65 to last me two weeks. (I also filled up my gas tank).
I have off this weekend, and Brittany’s family is going away to visit Devon at school. I wanted to plan this really romantic weekend for the two of us (maybe a museum, or just dinner and a movie) but I can’t because I’m fucking broke. I’m always broke, even when I don’t buy myself things. I’m so sick of never having money. I’m sick of never being able to buy Brittany things, or take her out (I mean I do when I can, but I want to do it more often). Honestly, I’m mostly jealous of her. She’s a cop, and I know that she works her ass off , but I’m envious of her paychecks. What I made in two weeks, she made in overtime. That’s sick. I feel like a child. I feel like I go to KB (as a hang out spot) and then I get an allowance every two weeks. KB isn’t the most stressful place to work, but I work more than most of the other people there. I’m next to be an assistant manager, I guess you can call me the lead associate? I’ve been working there for three years, and I don’t even make $8 an hour. That’s retarded. Melany just got her old job back at the photo department in CVS, and she’s starting at $9, and in three months she gets a raise. Regardless, it was a pay cut for her compared to Hawkeye, but still, $9 an hour to start? I’m so jealous. I wish I was making that. I wish I was making $8 an hour.
I need to leave KB, I need to find a better job, where I will be working the same amount of hours, but double the pay. I’m sick of people I know who do nothing, and they have these jobs where they get $10, 11, 13 an hour and they don’t even work. I’m a hard worker. I do what I’m told, and I do it well. I would make an awesome manager, I know it.
I feel like I’m the youngest out of everyone; Brittany’s a cop, Jen works in two chiropractors offices, Fran’s in a god damn museum, Melany works in photo, and I’m in a toy store, every child’s dream. The worst part about it is I like spending money- I like nice things. I like to shop and not just buy myself things, but other people things. Fran took me, Jen, and Ryan out to dinner the other night. I felt horrible that she had to pay for me, yet again. We have this joke that she always buys me shit, but it’s true. I feel really bad when people buy me things. Even though I’m all “Aw, thanks guys! I‘m a bum” on the outside I’m destroying myself on the inside. I call myself names. I basically feel useless. I’m dead weight. I can’t stand always being dependent on other people.
Brittany and I have been talking about getting an apartment together when she gets out of the academy, and I really really want to love with her, but I refuse to bum an apartment off of her. We joked that I’ll do all the cooking and decorating, and she’ll take care of the finances because I can’t hold onto money, but you know what, it hurts to know that that’s true. I can have $5 in my pocket, and a week before payday, but I need to spend that $5 or I’ll go crazy. I hate borrowing money from my parents; I’ve gotten so many talks from my dad, that I ignore him now. I know he’s right, I should manage my money better, but I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have no self-control. I can’t do anything I tell myself I will do. Including weight problems: I started doing sit-ups each night. It lasted for a week, maybe. I planned that every night I would add five more, until I could do 200 a night, but I stopped at maybe 50 sit ups. I’m useless. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t be around, that my friends would be better off without me. It seems that all I’m good for is cutting hair. I really want to go out with everyone and when we get the check throw my card on the table and refuse to let anyone else pay. I feel like a bad friend, and even worse, a bad boyfriend. Jon would do anything for Jen, and Ryan to Fran, but I feel like I can’t do enough for Brittany. I’m always comparing myself to everyone else, and I know deep down I’m really self-conscious. I can play it off that I’m not very well, but I am. I need to admit it. I always feel so impairer compared to everyone else; I’m never smart enough, I’m never good looking enough, I’m not manly enough, thin enough, funny enough. I’m just there, wasted space.
Your lovin' give me such a thrill,
But your lovin' don't pay my bills;
Money don't get everything it's true,
What it don't get I can't use;