Friday, October 3, 2008

The best things in life are free.

I’m a jealous person, I can admit it, but I’d never thought I’d be jealous of my friends. Ever. I got paid today, a whopping $316. What did I do with that money? I gave $100 to my dad for my car insurance, $60 to my mom, because I owed it to her, and then I went to wal-mart. I bought hair dye ($6), hamster food ($5), bottled water, makeup for Halloween, and pencils. I then went to the book store and bought Melany a birthday present, leaving me with a total of $65 to last me two weeks. (I also filled up my gas tank).
I have off this weekend, and Brittany’s family is going away to visit Devon at school. I wanted to plan this really romantic weekend for the two of us (maybe a museum, or just dinner and a movie) but I can’t because I’m fucking broke. I’m always broke, even when I don’t buy myself things. I’m so sick of never having money. I’m sick of never being able to buy Brittany things, or take her out (I mean I do when I can, but I want to do it more often). Honestly, I’m mostly jealous of her. She’s a cop, and I know that she works her ass off , but I’m envious of her paychecks. What I made in two weeks, she made in overtime. That’s sick. I feel like a child. I feel like I go to KB (as a hang out spot) and then I get an allowance every two weeks. KB isn’t the most stressful place to work, but I work more than most of the other people there. I’m next to be an assistant manager, I guess you can call me the lead associate? I’ve been working there for three years, and I don’t even make $8 an hour. That’s retarded. Melany just got her old job back at the photo department in CVS, and she’s starting at $9, and in three months she gets a raise. Regardless, it was a pay cut for her compared to Hawkeye, but still, $9 an hour to start? I’m so jealous. I wish I was making that. I wish I was making $8 an hour.
I need to leave KB, I need to find a better job, where I will be working the same amount of hours, but double the pay. I’m sick of people I know who do nothing, and they have these jobs where they get $10, 11, 13 an hour and they don’t even work. I’m a hard worker. I do what I’m told, and I do it well. I would make an awesome manager, I know it.
I feel like I’m the youngest out of everyone; Brittany’s a cop, Jen works in two chiropractors offices, Fran’s in a god damn museum, Melany works in photo, and I’m in a toy store, every child’s dream. The worst part about it is I like spending money- I like nice things. I like to shop and not just buy myself things, but other people things. Fran took me, Jen, and Ryan out to dinner the other night. I felt horrible that she had to pay for me, yet again. We have this joke that she always buys me shit, but it’s true. I feel really bad when people buy me things. Even though I’m all “Aw, thanks guys! I‘m a bum” on the outside I’m destroying myself on the inside. I call myself names. I basically feel useless. I’m dead weight. I can’t stand always being dependent on other people.
Brittany and I have been talking about getting an apartment together when she gets out of the academy, and I really really want to love with her, but I refuse to bum an apartment off of her. We joked that I’ll do all the cooking and decorating, and she’ll take care of the finances because I can’t hold onto money, but you know what, it hurts to know that that’s true. I can have $5 in my pocket, and a week before payday, but I need to spend that $5 or I’ll go crazy. I hate borrowing money from my parents; I’ve gotten so many talks from my dad, that I ignore him now. I know he’s right, I should manage my money better, but I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have no self-control. I can’t do anything I tell myself I will do. Including weight problems: I started doing sit-ups each night. It lasted for a week, maybe. I planned that every night I would add five more, until I could do 200 a night, but I stopped at maybe 50 sit ups. I’m useless. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t be around, that my friends would be better off without me. It seems that all I’m good for is cutting hair. I really want to go out with everyone and when we get the check throw my card on the table and refuse to let anyone else pay. I feel like a bad friend, and even worse, a bad boyfriend. Jon would do anything for Jen, and Ryan to Fran, but I feel like I can’t do enough for Brittany. I’m always comparing myself to everyone else, and I know deep down I’m really self-conscious. I can play it off that I’m not very well, but I am. I need to admit it. I always feel so impairer compared to everyone else; I’m never smart enough, I’m never good looking enough, I’m not manly enough, thin enough, funny enough. I’m just there, wasted space.

Your lovin' give me such a thrill,
But your lovin' don't pay my bills;
Money don't get everything it's true,
What it don't get I can't use;

1 comment:

Reptar! said...

It's unfortunate that pretty much everything in our lives comes down to money. It has taken over the universe and it's not going anywhere anytime soon...unless the globe melts. But you shouldn't feel like a bad person because you can't do a lot of things centered around money for Brittany. Just because you have money doesn't mean you're a better person or better boyfriend. You have to understand that you're a great boyfriend even if you can't take her places on a whim, ya know? You love her and care for her and would do anything for her just to make her happy. That is being a good boyfriend, not being able to pay for everything--though it seems like an added bonus. But I know I'd still like Ryan even if he didn't make so much money, and I know Jen would still like Jon if he didn't get her things. Why? Because they're good guys just like you're a good guy. Brittany, Jen and I all know that even without money, you guys would still be really great to us. And the money doesn't matter and I know Brittany doesn't care because she's happy that she is treated well by you and loved by you.

And as far as friendship goes, you are in no way a waste of space. If I really minded paying for you, I wouldn't fucking pay for you. And I hope you know that. You're the most important friend that I have. I feel most comfortable around you and I look forward to hanging out with you the most. And you make me laugh the most and I know you're a good friend. And I know your other friends feel the same way because that's how friends work. If we didn't want to be around you, we wouldn't hang out. Period. You know how that goes in relation to other people...

Just focus on being a good person because in the end that's all that counts. I promise.

This probably did nothing for you...sorry.