Sometimes I can be extremely happy one minute then an emotional mess the next. It’s crazy. I expect so many things, and I expect to get there so easily, and just get so depressed when I admit to myself that life is just fucking hard. Sometimes I feel like I just gave up, sometime I think there maybe, just maybe be some hope, but then I realize that there isn’t. ugh!
I want to be an actor, I want to put on a different face, wear a new life, be someone else.
I want to be an artist, someone who expresses their emotions thru drawings, or painting, or anything.
I want to finish school finally and get an actual job, like a real fucking job.
I want to never finish school and just take classes because I want to, not because I need to.
I want to stay in retail, to move up and to become a owner of my own branch of stores and do it all by starting at the bottom and clawing my way up.
I want to have no emotions and step on everyone I meet and to make them feel low so I can, for a minute, fill that hole in my heart.
I want to be loved. Unconditionally, shot it from the mountains loved.
I want someone to need me so badly that they will fly half way around the world, to tell me they loved me and marry me so I won’t get deported back to Canada.
I want to turn back time, to have maybe one more second of feeling.
I want to be able to erase memories so that I can forget that anything ever happened.
I want to be healthy. I want to be healthy so badly that I don’t care if I have to do unhealthy things to get there.
I want to live in another time where smoking was classy, not deadly, and you wore a suit to go to the movies and you respected each other and life was full of glamour.
I want a sneak peak of my future. I want to know that I will succeed in something and that I’m not sitting here, twenty years from now writing a blog about how I want things.
I want to travel. I want to see places of the world I’ve only seen on shows.
I want to spend an entire day laying in bed next to someone I love.
I want to be a vampire. I want to live forever so that I know that eventually one day I can no longer want anything because I’ve done everything.
I want to be famous. I want to step out of my house and have millions of people fighting to get a glimpse of me in person.
I want to party until the sun comes up then sleep all day and party again the next night.
I want to be on covers of magazines with false stories about me all over the pages.
I want to shave my head, attack paparazzi with an umbrella (ella ella), get tattoos and check into rehab then make a comeback so big that people will forget who that other person was.
I want to be so rich that I would never have to worry about working or doing anything ever again.
I want to be so rich that I would never have to worry about working or doing anything ever again, and not have a boring life.
I want someone to be by my side every step of the way.
I want to glow so radiantly when I see them walking down the aisle that the sun needs sunglasses.
I want to be woken up by the pitter patter of small feet running to my bedside because breakfast is ready downstairs and after breakfast you promised you would play with me, daddy.
I want you.
Fuck. My. Life.