Saturday, November 15, 2008

I fell right through the cracks

I’m in a horrible mood. And I can’t tell you why. Well, I can, but I’m not going to. All I will say is that I’m very sick of never feeling like I’m special. With everything, and it’s gotten to the point where third, fourth, fifth parties see this as well. I’m sick of worrying. I’m sick of crying when I shouldn’t. I’m sick of never feeling loved enough. I always feel like I’m second best, and it’s really hurting me now.
I am supposed to get a laptop for Christmas. I also am supposed to pay my car insurance every month. I asked my dad if instead of the laptop, would he be able to pay my car insurance for the rest of the year because I never have money on me (and it kills me). I want to do Christmas shopping, I want to pay off my credit card, I want to fucking take my girlfriend out for dinner and buy her things. He told me he would pay my car insurance and that I didn’t have to worry about Christmas. I guess I’m still getting the laptop? I really don’t even want it anymore. I’m sick of being a bad son. I’m sick of always feeling like I disappoint everyone, when really I’m the one who’s hurt, and I have no clue how to fix it without getting more hurt. I cried. I hugged my dad for the first time in…a year and I cried on his shoulder. I’m crying now.
Jen wrote a blog a few weeks ago saying that she wished she could go back to sleep where is doesn’t hurt as much. Today I found out, first hand how that feels. I woke up and from the minute my eyes opened my heart hurt. I wanted to go back to sleep. I wanted to be happy like I was in my dream. I wanted to roll over and curl up next to Brittany and fucking feel safe and loved and wanted, but I couldn’t because she wasn’t next to me like she should have been.
Fran is the only person I can/did talk to. She’s the only one who can make me feel better, not even Brittany at this point. She won’t understand. I just wanted my weekend. The only time I have off all weekend and I’m home, alone, crying because I’m too much of a pussy to confront why I’m hurt.
I make myself sick.

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment, maybe sing with me
All - ah peaceful melody
And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

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