Saturday, November 8, 2008

Think I'm just happy.

I cried on the way home today. I cried because my mind was overflowing with too many thoughts. I drove away and thought about my life; who I am; how people treat me; how others act around me. I thought about my dad, actually. For the first time ever I sympathized with my dad. He and I never had a good relationship, but I think that it’s gotten a little bit better the past year or so, but tonight I told my self that he isn’t a bad guy. My father works two full time jobs to support my family and I don’t blame him for coming home grumpy all the time. It just dawned on me that he works 80+ hours a week, and only runs on 3-5 hours of sleep a night. Sometimes no sleep at all. I don’t blame him for coming home and wanting to kiss my mom and have dinner and just relax. But no, he can’t; something is always going on in my house. I use to think that he was being stupid when he’d come home and yell because the house was “a mess”, or when we had friends over, or when my mom didn’t say hello to him or kiss him when he walked through the door. Within the past year I fell in love and I know for a fact that if I worked two jobs and was sleep deprived that the only thing that I looked forward to was coming home to Brittany and kissing her and spending my nights off with her, and I want to; I want to spend every night off with her. I want to come home to her after work and let any stress melt away as soon as my lips touch hers. My dad doesn’t get that; he sometimes doesn’t even get a “hi” from my mom. And it’s really sad. I always thought that when my parents fought, it was always my dad’s fault because he was ‘mean’ and ‘didn’t treat mom right’ but it’s sad to say that it’s the opposite. My mom can be very mean. I don’t want to say it, but she can be a bitch when she wants to.
You attach yourself to someone and want to give them everything and want to make them happy and will do anything to make that other person happy. My dad does that for us. I know that I’m wrong when I spend too much money, but I know that when I do I can run to daddy and he’ll fix it. I use to think that being spoiled was a good thing, but it’s not. And I’m the most spoiled person I know. The only thing my dads asks of me is to pay my car insurance on time, and 80% of the time I can’t. I never realized until this very moment that I am a horrible son. I don’t treat my parents with the amount of respect as I should (and they are partly to blame because I got away with everything as a kid), but I see it in my brothers as well. They get whatever they want and we don’t appreciate it as much as we should. My dad especially doesn’t get the recognition that he deserves.
Sigmund Freud was the one who said that all little boys are in love with their mothers, correct? Well he is right, to a point. I love my mom, but I don’t love her the way I love Brittany. I want to hug my mom and hang out with her but I want to kiss Brittany and have sex with her. It’s the same love, but different all the same. I do not want to be my dad, working all the time and then coming home to my mom who sometimes ignores him. I do not want to look forward to seeing Brittany after not seeing her all week and come home and not be acknowledged. I don’t want to bring her flowers and have her complain that I don’t care about her. I don’t want to sit alone, in the middle of the night and watch TV while my wife is upstairs, reading a book, wishing she was with Tobie Keith, but in a way I fell in love with my mom: I am a very emotional person and I get offended too easily. I can admit that. I over think little things, and take it personal when someone makes a joke about me. I don’t want to get hurt, no one does, but sometimes it happens and the other person doesn’t realize what they do. Fran, Ryan, Brittany and I are having this “contest” and I want to win (but I know I won’t), and I told Ryan tonight that “when I want something I but everything into it” and it’s 100% true. I put 100% of myself into everything/anyone I care about. If you tickle my fancy, you should be proud. I will treat you like gold (I don’t want to sound cocky). Right now Brittany is that gold (and I don’t want to ever let her go), and I put over 100% of myself into out relationship, and I know that I don’t have to because I already have her, and I know that she cares about me, but why then do I always feel like I’m never enough? Why can I do everything I possible can to show how much I love her but always feel like I don’t show it enough? How come I kick myself when I get mad at her (for things that I shouldn’t even be mad about) because I think it’s my fault? Why is it that I can never be 100% happy? Sure, when I’m alone with her I’m the happiest that I’ve ever been, but for some reason I can always turn something into something else and think about it until it poisons my mind and takes over, leaving me with nothing but doubt. Why can’t I just admit to myself that I don’t need to try anymore, that I have what I’ve been looking for and neither of us want to let it slip away. Why is it that I think about living with her and marrying her and having kids with her but some how secretly find myself in my dad’s shoes and fear that I’m not going to be loved as much as I should be, as much as I deserve to be? Maybe I’m just stupid.
The thing that got me the most while I was driving home was that I always tell myself I’m a good person and I deserve good things, but you know what? I’m a horrible person. I talk about people, sometimes my own friends behind their backs, I say that I’m all for the earth (but will be the first to throw plastic bottles in the garbage can), and I am a spoiled Pratt. What I hate about this is today, at work, the crazy bird girl came into the store and I told George, the new kid, that she’s crazy and weird. I made fun of her for his amusement and I didn’t feel bad about it. I helped her look for pokemon so I could get her out of my hair and talk about her more, and I ended up talking to her for a few minutes. She’s been a frequent customer for the past three years and every time she comes in we all talk about her. Today I found out that she’s an animal lover and a vegetarian (and as soon as I head that I thought then why are you fat?) and I still didn’t feel bad. What got me the worst was that she told me I seem like a really good person. It was this girl, who I’ve talked about behind her back for the past three years who told me the biggest lie that I’ve been telling myself and made me feel bad, for once, that I’ve been lying to myself. I am not a good person and maybe I deserve all the pain I feel and all the mixed thoughts, and the years of me being an awful son, and the doubt of being loved when really the truth is I’m Brittany loves me far too much then I deserve and I get mad at the times she doesn’t tell me she loves me, rather than appreciate the times that she does.

I'm not like them

But I can pretend

The sun is gone,But I have a light

the day is done,I'm having fun

I think I'm dumb

Or Maybe just happy

No comments: