Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Grey eyes.

Eh. It’s 1 in the morning. I just watched The Secret Life of Bees. It was such a good movie. Dakota Fanning is an amazing actress and she’s only like 15. Fucking crazy.

Anyway, I had a pretty good day. I woke up around noon, got dressed and stuff, and then drove over to Frans house because her, Jen and I were going to the mall because what I thought was just to hang out, but really was to show Fran Fredrick’s and go valentines day shopping. Jen drove us to the Broadway mall and the hunt began. Where does Jen find her outfit? Target. We drove to Nassau to go to a target and pick out an outfit that she could have got up the road from where we live. Women =) We had a really really fun day though. We got Panera, and Starbucks, and had a bunch of laughs, and decided to go upstate over the summer rather than Minnesota because it is a more realistic thing to do, and it would be a lot cheaper. The only thing that kind of sucks is that I’m gonna have to find someone to go with me; Jen has Jon, Fran will have Ryan, and Andrew will be a fifth wheel…in his own house. Weird. Soo…I need to find a date to take on this adventure. Not so easy.

I think I have pretty high standards. Sorry, it’s true. I’m shallow and if you aren’t nice looking I won’t be interested. It’s simple. I’m a horrible person, I know so please don’t say that I am. The worst part about is that I’m lonely. Sure, there are people that are interested in moi, but I don’t know. I just am not that interested. Then there are a few that I am interested in, but I don’t know where that’s going. I have this stupid image in my head of what I want, but it doesn’t seem like anyone is fitting that mold. Valentines day is this weekend, and I’m going to be alone. I don’t want to compare this year to last year, but I’m just not happy. I still love valentines day; I always have, and I do not think you should hate it because you don’t have a valentine, but it does suck a little when all your friends will be out with their other halves while I’ll be home watching tv.

Everyone wants to be loved, whether it’s by a lover, a mother, brother, or a friend. Movies make is seem so simple that when you don’t have a love from one the others make up for that. Dakota Fannings character, Lilys’ mother died, and her father didn’t want her, but the women that she stayed with, their love made up for the lack of her fathers and mothers. Life isn’t like that, is it? I know it isn’t like that for me. When my friend tells me they love me, it does not fill that hole in my heart that is meant for actual love. That kind of love where only that person matters and at points you would give up anything just to be with that one person. When my mom tells me she loves me, I don’t feel any different.

Trying to ignore other peoples love for each other is the hardest part. I’m really happy for everyone, I am. I love seeing people happy, but I hate not being happy with them, and not having anything to do right now just makes me feel that emptiness even more. I have nothing to distract me, and that loneliness is tearing me apart. GRR! I hate this. I hate feeling bad for myself. If I want something why can’t I just go out and get it? If I want someone to like me, why don’t I just let them? It wouldn’t be fair to either of us. Am I even making sense? I don’t fucking know. All I know is that I’d give anything to have that feeling back that I felt a year ago. Fuck.

Hey parted lips
Do you remember when I kissed you
With my fingertips
I know the smell of your perfume

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