Wednesday, April 16, 2008

don't judge me. please.

I’m in this indescribable kind of mood. It’s a mix between being depressed and being angry with a dash of freaking out. I’ve been in such a cuddly mood ALL WEEK and it sucks because Brittany’s busy doing school stuff and I haven’t seen her a lot this week. Major sad face. I can’t find my camera. I have no clue what I did with it. How the hell did I lose a hot pink camera? I guess I’m just really really stupid. You know what, I’m not. I think I should start telling myself something nice everyday. I’m getting really sick of always thinking I’m doing something wrong, or over thinking things. And I hate the fact that I can’t say no. I’m a sucker, a doormat, everyone’s bitch. You don’t know how many times I told someone I’d do something but I’m really kicking myself in the ass because my dad was ruined. I’ve covered for everyone at work and I know they appreciate it, I know they do, but it means that I won’t have a day off to myself. And when I do have a day to myself it never goes right; either something comes up and the person I made plans with can’t make it, or I have school, or I’m being told to do something at home. I can never just have a Andrew day. I don’t think I’ve done nothing all day in a very long time. This is excluding last Friday where I stayed in bed all day because I was sick. That doesn’t count. I would have preferred to be hanging out with Brittany (who was probably busy that morning) or just watching TV by myself then be sick. Last Saturday I was scheduled off. All day, but unfortunately Sam had to babysit so I worked her 3-9:30. Brittany was mad at me for telling her I would work it because she said “once again I was treated like a doormat” but I felt really bad because Sam’s been really busy with work and school and her daycare job but I guess Brittany was right, I did agree to do something that I didn’t really want to do. I don’t know. I can’t help it. That’s the way I am.

Fran and I talked today. It was nice to say things that I was kind of holding in. If I didn’t say anything to Fran, I would have said it to Linda at work because I was ranting to her and some of it came out and what we talked about has been really bothering me this past week. And a few weeks every few months. I have this habit of holding the things in that really bother me. The little stuff that I can and should hold in I have no problem saying but the big things stayed bottled up inside me waiting to be released. Today it happened. I must have sounded really insecure and childish but I can’t help it. I over think everything. I know I shouldn’t but I’ve always done it. All my life I’ve worried about what others are thinking. The funny thing is it has nothing to do with looks or anything. I don’t care how people think I look. I’ll wear what I want and I’ll wear it proud, but it’s opening up my mouth that’s the problem. Sometimes I get really insecure about what I say, how it comes out, what I sound like. I hate my voice; I hate that it’s kind of high and annoying. I hate hearing what I sound like on the phone, and I hate watching videos of myself. The other night Fran played back a video I made back in December and I nitpicked at myself, in my head, the entire time. The funny thing is I love myself. I have really high self esteem, I just get insecure when it comes to my voice or thoughts. I’m a severe over thinker. I get paranoid really easy. I’ll text someone and I’ll keep checking my phone every thirty seconds until I get a response back. Even when I say goodbye to someone I’ll keep the phone at my side just incase they decide to text me again. And I get really paranoid when people don’t call or text me back. I start thinking that they hate me, or they’re ignoring me. I have this fear of being secretly hated by the people I like. I sometimes find myself thinking about if people talk about me behind my back. I don’t know why I do this. I think it’s because growing up, in middle school I was always picked on. No matter what I did, it was wrong. No matter how I dressed, it was wrong, weird, stupid. I was always the kid who wore something months before it was in style. I started using a messenger bag in sixth grade and I got made fun of because these two guys called it a purse and picked on me the entire time I used it. I was never the popular kid. I had my own group of friends and that was it. In this group though, I liked to take control and always saw myself as the leader. This was until high school. High school I liked, I was able to be myself, thank god. And college is even better but there is still that “I think everyone hates me” fear deep down inside me. Meep. I don’t know.

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