Monday, December 10, 2007

The way I am.

Growing up I was always told to be who I wanted to be. It's kind of hard to do that when it seems like everything I do is wrong. The other night Fran told me I was everyone’s Bitch, and you know what, she's right. I'm a really good person, and I believe in myself. I'm funny, and stupid, and loud, and cute, and I try to just be myself, I don't let others get me down, I've pasted that phase. But it's hard to be yourself when your family critizes everyone who is just likes you. If I weren't related to them would they poke fun at me if I were on TV? Would they call me a freak because I actually express how I feel about things? I'm sick of sitting back and listening to my family bash the way someone is dressing, or their race, or orientation; I know who I am, I sometimes think they don't. My brothers are going to grow up just like them; I see it already. They like to belittle people for they way they act.

My mom and I are celebrity gossips; her more than me. We visit X17 and TMZ everyday and laugh at pictures of celebrities doing stupid things. Let’s take Britney spears for an example: I really felt bad for her. You were able to see this sadness in her eyes; she never had a real smile on her face in any of the pictures that were taken. Everyone knows I'm a fan of hers but my mom would bash her but secretly love her. Brittany makes fun of me for it, but I know it is just joking, but my mom calls her a freak and I don't even know why.
I'm getting sick of being everyone’s whipping board. I don't have class today until 11:10, so I was more than happy to sleep in, but I couldn't. My dog Harley woke me up at 6:30 to let her out. I was all like "what ever, you gotta pee too girl". I was able to fall right back to sleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. Last night I hung out with Bffl, my parents didn't want me to go out. My mom yelled at me and said I run every time a friend wants me to do something. I didn't care what she said, I went anyway. I was about to leave my house and my mom asked me
"Can you get me hair dye? You can dye my hair tonight when you get home. Don’t be long! I need my hair done". I told my mom I would be home around 11. She wanted me to dye her hair for her (because you know, she can't do it herself, but every time I want her to do mine it's okay for her not to want to). I rushed home so I wasn't late to do her hair. I walked in the door and my brothers are watching TV.

"Is mom up"? I asked
"She went to bed" Zack replied.

I didn't care if she was sleeping, I yelled up the stairs

"I don't want to do my hair right now" she groaned...

I was mad, just a little.
I was planning on sleeping in until 10:00, but that changed. My mom comes barging into my room at 7:50.
"Andrew, get up and do my hair" she demanded. Not even asked! She told me to get up and do her fucking hair.
I'm sick of running for everyone. Noone ever runs for me. Even when I was little, every time I wanted to go out it was always an incovience for everyone. I promised myself that when I got my license I wouldn't run for people, but that didn't happen, you know why? Because I'm a nice fucking person.

So I got up two hours early to do her goddamned hair. This isn't the first time something like this has happened. I get called lazy for wanting to sleep in, but its okay for her to call me from upstairs in the middle of the night to go upstairs to shut off her TV when the remote is right next to her, or to get her water.

I'm sick of being walked on. I'm starting to feel like everyone is my pimp and I'm a bitch just there for entertainment. I can't sleep with out being called lazy, I can't eat without being called fat, I can't make any type of artwork without it being critiqued, I can't go out without running an errand, I can't express how I feel without being told I'm wrong. The other day I came home from school. It was really cold out so I had on my Pea Coat, a hat, and gloves. It was also really bright because there was snow on the ground, so I wore sunglasses. I wear big, oversized, old lady glasses. I walked into my house like that and the first thing out of my mom’s mouth was "take that off". I asked her why, she told me I looked stupid and I need to grow up. I wasn't doing/wearing anything wrong. I got all huffy and I went into my room. I then went on and there was a preview of the Spice Girl concert which Fran and I are super pumped for. I got all excited and ran inside to tell my mom. I was explaining it to her and reading the review to her and she cut me off and told me they were stupid. It really hurt me. I can't even talk about what I want. Is it sad that I talk to my neighbors or costumers about things in my life rather than my own family? I think the only person who actually cares for me is my Aunt Dawn. I can talk to her (even if it is only about her make up) but she listens to me and asks me how I am and how school is. It's kind of a spacey conversation but they point gets along.

I've been happy lately; I've been smiling a lot. A costumer told me the other day that I'm always smiling when they come in. I'm generally a happy person. I'm the type of person who smiles when we get in a cute TY beanie baby, or who laughs at themselves when I do something stupid. I'm the person who will be all giddy when I like someone, and everyone sees it. I smile at stupid hallmark cards, and always think of other people. I try not to let everything get to me. My other friends have a lot bigger problems than I do, and I try to tell them not to let it get to them. It's hard to do though.

Today my horoscope said: As soon as you wake up today, you should deal with the issues at hand right I doing that by writing this? I don't think so.

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