Monday, December 1, 2008

Well at least I don't have all the power in the world so I can't fuck everything else up

Listen, I’m not going to sugarcoat this, so deal, k? I’ve been in a rut for almost three weeks now, and I’m sick of it. I just want to be myself again. I’ve been trying to occupy myself and not let myself be home or anywhere alone. I’m trying really hard to keep myself from thinking. Thank god it is the Christmas season or I wouldn’t be working so much. Work is the only place I can be 100% distracted, and I don’t want to leave it. I hate when my shift’s over (and I’ve been working non stop 10+ hour shifts). I hate going home because when I’m here I know I can think; I know I can go over things in my mind that I don’t want to go over but I do anyway.

I’m not going to lie, I’m hurt. Really hurt. There is still a hole inside of me that I don’t know if it’ll be fixed anytime soon. I know that she’ll read this, but I don’t care right now. I loved Brittany, and I know she loved me too, and yes, it sucks that we broke up, but if it wasn’t going to work out why should we stay? The thing that gets me the worst is that we’re supposed to be friends. Friends. Something that I want to be with her. I hate not talking to her, I hate not seeing her. I hate not getting responds to texts I sent her (but hey, she doesn’t respond to anyone), and I hate not knowing anything that’s happening. Now I know how Jen and Fran feel; they lived their friendship with her through me. They’d ask me how she was doing because they didn’t talk to her for weeks at a time. If Brittany wants to just be friends with me I’m going to deal with that. I would rather have her just as a friend than not have her at all. I’m slowly getting over everything, but the lack of not hearing from her isn’t helping. Out of sight out of mind, right? Well…healing with no sight sucks because eventually we’ll forget about each other and not care about each other. I’ve been trying really hard to see her but I’m being ignored. I don’t want pity or anything, and I know I shouldn’t be posting this, but I don’t want to hold it in, and maybe by posting this it’ll help? I don’t know. If we are friends than why do I feel like I was tossed aside? Friends talk to each other, right? They don’t just ignore what the other person is saying. Maybe she needs more time, or maybe she just fucking hates me and wants nothing to do with me. Either way, I just want her to be happy. *shrugs*. Maybe I wasn’t the best boyfriend, but I want to be a great friend, and I don’t even feel like a friend right now. I’m not a mind reader, so I don’t know what’s going on in her head, but I think that I put out there (many times) how I feel about everything…*grimace*

I’m really thankful for my friends (actual friends). If it weren’t for Fran, Melany, and Jen I would be a fucking mess.

Fran: she’s my best friend. We’ve known each other for six years, and I can always be myself around her. I don’t have to pretend to be something I’m not. She’s the only friend that I feel over 100% comfortable around and I can just drive over to her house (or dorm), walk in and be like “what up”? And it’ll be fine. Fran’s the most level-headed person I know, and will tell me like it is. She doesn’t tell me things I want to hear, but things I need to hear. I really don’t know who I’d be if I never met her. She’s a good old buddy, old pal, and I know that if we ever lost touch with each other and we just bumped into each other on the streets in ten years it would be like nothing changed’ we’d still be us, laughing about random things and being retarded

Melany (bffl): I can tell her the things that I don’t want to tell anyone else. Bffl and I have some weird kind of connection between us; it’s like we’re kind of the same person (only completely different), she kind of makes any fears of mine go away, and I become more adventures when I’m with her. Like Friday, if I were with anyone else I would have never thought of going to the mall on the craziest day of the year. =)

Jenny: what can I say? Jen is fucking awesome. She’s as sensitive as I am, and I know that I can talk to her about something that upset me and she’ll completely understand. Within a year her and I have gotten a million times closer. Jenny is the only person I feel 100% comfortable singing around, because I know that she won’t make fun of me for being horrible, and she is the only one from our group that still works at KB with me, and working with her is always fun. The other day in target I told her she was the Jacob to my Bella (without the whole love thing going on), but she can always make me feel better and kind of fills that hole inside of me.

As far as other friends, I’m really thankful of you too, but these three have helped me soooo much and they are the best!

Sometimes I think that you hate me
And other times I think you that you think I'm endearing
Well sometimes I just don't know you at all
Even though I'd like to think I was a bit of a know it all
Sometimes I just can't work you out
Even though I'd like to know what you were about

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